Faith · grief · Life · loss · love · Relationships · Starting over · Thoughts · Words

The Downpour

doodaddy_strangers_bench

Sitting in the downpour, it felt like the world was falling apart around me.

That wet wooden bench was my foundation but it felt like it might melt into the earth and take me along with it.

How did I even get to this moment?

Once upon a time, the sun was shining and my heart was full.

The clouds were bright and the sky was the color of the ocean.

Possibilities seemed endless and hope was abundant.

Like birds flying through the air, full of freedom and grace, was my life.

Most days I felt not like I was walking but that I was dancing, floating above the ground.

Now I sit in the rain, soaking wet and completely broken.

You took with you the sun.

I raise my face to the darkening heavens and a million little tears fall upon my already wet skin.

Let this rain cleanse me so that I can be made new.

Let it fill in the cracks so that I can feel whole again.

I am tired of feeling so heavyhearted.

I shiver a little as the air around me grows colder and I take a deep breath.

I feel the weight of myself collapse so that I am lying on this bench and I give up.

I give up you. I give up us. I give up the promises and hopes we once said we had.

I give them up to whoever will take them and I let myself drown in my misery.

Like a seed that has just been planted, this water will help me grow, from something so small and buried and unnoticed to something that rises above the surface for the entire world to behold.

From this ugliness will bloom beauty.

In time I can walk away from this soaking wet, wooden bench, and start down the path to a new way, a new life, a new me.

In time, this moment will be only a memory with less feeling attached to it.

But for now, I just need to be here, in the rain, letting go.

 

 

Faith · friends · Happiness · Life · love · Self confidence · Self-love · Thoughts · Words

Me

I like being alone but I also like being around people.

I am outgoing but I am also shy.

I can be wild and crazy but also calm and sane.

I live in reality most days but others my head is in the clouds.

I long to make friends, to bond with others but I think most people are mean.

I want to be authentically me but then I wear a mask way too often.

I am a mix of sweet and sour, yin and yang.

I am restless but always hopeful.

Sometimes sad, with a dash of loneliness.

I try my best and often fail. But I keep trying.

I believe in God but have a lot of questions.

I’m late to pretty much everything because I hate time, so I rarely look at clocks.

I want simplicity but I also long for things.

I am strong with a little side of weak.

I can be organized in the physical sense and messy in the mental one.

Most days I am endlessly searching for meaning and most likely looking in the wrong places.

I am light and dark, push and pull.

I am human, marred, imperfect.

Just a woman, trying to navigate her life so that at the end of it, I have the fewest regrets.

Change · Life · Self-love · Thoughts · Words

Purpose

Finding purpose in life is not always as easy as it sounds.

I’ve found that some people know their calling at an early age, while others are well into middle age and still don’t know.

I’ve often wondered why that is. Does the breath of the universe somehow whisper into some people’s ears, while ignoring others?

Are some people meant to do great works while others are merely meant for mediocre things?

We are told that each of us has a specific purpose that we are meant to accomplish in our lives, be it a career, becoming a parent, a hobby, a talent…We are, each one of us, supposed to possess some divine purpose.

But what if you have no idea what your purpose is? Where do you find out?

My thoughts are that all things are revealed to us at the right time, but we have to be open and listening.

On those days where you feel like you were meant for more when you feel that deep longing in your soul, pay attention to what you are longing for.

Maybe your purpose is to be a mom and raise children who will grow up to change the world. However, you think that there is more for you. Maybe there isn’t. Maybe your place right now is at home, taking care of your family.

Maybe your purpose is to work hard at a career or job. You might feel like you want more but maybe where you are right now, is truly where you’re supposed to be, and in time, when the universe knows you are ready, things will change.

Waking up every day and being alive gives us so much to experience and be grateful for. This new day is a new purpose. So don’t waste it away wishing or hoping for more. Use what you have and be where you are. Soak in the present moments and enjoy your life. Because the ultimate purpose of life is not just to be alive but to live.