boy mom · Children · Life · Mom life · Motherhood · Parenting · School · Thoughts · Words

First Day of School

I walk you into your classroom and we find your desk. 

You are nervous but also excited on this first day of school.

I prayed this morning that you would be okay as the bell rang and it was time for me to go. 

I prayed that you would have a good time with your new teacher and your friends.

I asked God to watch over you and be there while I couldn’t. 

Watching you sitting there, I can’t help but feel a tug on my heart. 

Having you all to myself this summer, I was spoiled and my days will surely feel an absence without you in them as much, 

but part of being a parent is letting go and letting grow. 

I kiss you and give you a super big hug and we say goodbye for now. 

I tell you that I can’t wait to see you later and hear all about your day and you give me that crooked smile. 

I will sure miss you like crazy today but I hope you miss me less. 

I hope you feel secure and happy.

I hope that you are so busy learning and coloring and playing that you sink into your day until it is time to go and you wonder how the day is already over. 

Then you come home with immense joy and stories to tell and I can see it…

You are already excited to go back tomorrow. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Change · Children · Happiness · Life · love · Mom life · Motherhood · Parenting · Poetry · Stay at home moms · Thoughts · Words

Before I was a mama

1*rea5sAz4ooiK8MXomNpM_w

Before I was a mama I imagined that raising kids was easy. 

My young mind pictured motherhood as holding babies, changing diapers, late-night feedings and early afternoon naps. 

I pictured firsts. First words, first tooth, first steps.

Never did I envision mouthy toddlers, independent school-age kids, and a sulky teenager. 

I didn’t foresee the days of exhaustion and thanklessness. 

The heartache, doubt, regret, and irritation that sneaks in on a daily basis. 

Before I was a mama I equated having a baby to instantaneous happiness.

I didn’t think my life would be any less but so much more.

And part of me was right. 

Babies are hard work and in giving so much of yourself away to care for them, you might feel like you lose yourself, the person you were before. 

I know at times, many times, I did.

But before my eyes, as my babies grew through the years I started to see the light in motherhood. 

It comes from little messy smiles, an unexpected hug, bedtime cuddles, Eskimo and butterfly kisses, the sound of their laughter, knowing that to them you are the entire world. 

As they grow it comes in the form of asking your opinion, telling you about their day, asking how your day’s been, an ‘I love you mom” in a text, wanting to sit next to you on the couch, still giving you hugs even though they are almost as tall as you.

Like life, motherhood goes through phases and they are each so precious, yet so fleeting. 

Don’t rush them.

In the blink of an eye, they will be over. 

Nothing about being a mama is like I pictured long ago in my youthful days, long before I could ever understand this kind of grace, this kind of sacrifice, this kind of joy. 

I could never know because I had never understood this kind of love before. 

Until I was a mama.

 

 

 

 

 

Beauty · Body love · body positivity · Faith · God · Happiness · Life · love · Mom life · Poetry · Religion · Self-love · Words

Beautiful mama

Young girl is watching sunset over Tokyo

Beautiful mama, stop comparing yourself to that woman on Instagram, your friend who seems to have the perfect everything, your neighbors who just bought that new something or other. 

You are you and they are not.

Theodore Roosevelt once famously said that” Comparison is the the thief of joy” and no truer words have ever been spoken.

When we compare ourselves we fail ourselves.

Here’s why, there’s no one else, in this entire universe, who is you.

You are rare. 

A lone creation. 

God created you, beautiful mama, in his image and in his eyes you are flawless.

You’re not supposed to be an image of someone else.

He wants you to embrace your entire being and find true joy in the life he has given you.

He wants your body to tell a story of adventures, mistakes, babies, love, triumph, contentment, hurt.

You were never meant to remain small so He gave you the entire world as your playground.

Take up space.

Fill a room with your laughter.

Wear your bathing suit to the pool and jump in with your kids.

Do big and small things with great intention.

Dare yourself to be unafraid.

To let go of expections. 

To remember, 

you are perfect exactly as you are.

A stunning piece of art created by the king himself.

 

 

Photo credit:

Creator:praetorianphoto
Credit:Getty Images
Copyright:praetorianphoto

 

boy mom · Faith · Life · love · Mom life · Parenting · Relationships · Starting over · Words

Our Children

foster-care-stats-1024x683

We raise our children to find their wings and fly.

Our home is their nest for the making of the person they will become.

It is their foundation on which everything else is built.

We give them love and encouragement.

We establish in them faith and forgiveness.

We let them fall and watch them rise.

And in the process, as they go from toddler to teenager,

as they start to gain independence and taste freedom,

we find ourselves having to let go a little of them each day,

until one day we open our doors and watch them soar into the world.

It may seem far off or it might be just around the corner,

but the day will come.

You will watch as the person you made, the person you grew,

spreads their wings in this great big world,

and leaves home to find themselves.

Body love · body positivity · boy mom · ditch the diet · Eating recovery · Happiness · Life · Mom life · Parenting · Relationships · Self confidence · Self-love · Words

My Three Sons

 

I missed the first few months of all three of my boys lives. Not physically but mentally. My mind was consumed with how my body looked after giving birth, all the weight I’d have to lose, the clothes I needed to fit back into, the exercises I’d have to do. My new mom mind was not preoccupied with all things baby, as it should have been, but on me getting my body back. I did this all three times I gave birth, not learning anything from the previous time. 

I was twenty-six when I gave birth to my first son and newly out of my bulimia. Becoming pregnant forced me into a reality check to lose the bingeing and purging cycle. I had more to think about than myself and so I quit cold turkey. I wanted to start being a good mom right away. As my belly grew though, I remember having concerns about my rising weight and worrying it would stay on me permanately but I ate what I craved and started a simple yoga routine. 

I was thirty when I gave birth to my second son and in-between those two pregnancies my bulimia was pretty much nil, but she would show up from time to time and remind me of certain foods that were off-limits. I gave birth, having gained the same amount of weight as the first time around, and yet still worried that I’d never lose the weight. 

My third pregnancy happened when I was thirty-four and my eating habits were still the same through the years, trying so hard to be ‘good’ when choosing foods and punishing myself when I ate badly. I gave birth that third time and yet still hated what I saw when I stripped down to take a shower. Nevermind that my body had just made a baby in a matter of months and grown that baby to perfection and then birthed that baby into the world, for a third time. My body was ugly, gross and I was completely ashamed and mortified with what I saw.

Three times I gave birth and three times my mind obsessed over my body, my weight, the number on the scale, the ‘before’ clothes I used to fit into, the food I ate. Three times, years apart, I missed out on my babies. I missed out on the joy of being present and building a bond. I missed out on little things and I missed out on big things. I robbed myself of a time I can never get back.

Now my sons are fifteen, eleven and five and I still struggle most days with my body image and my food. Bulimia is a constant thorn in my side and I have to work every day to keep her away. When I first started seeing a counselor in my early twenties, a few years into my eating disorder, she wisely told me that even if the act itself goes away, I would always have the disorder in my life, it would never really vanish and I would have to push it down continually. She was right. 

I am tired of trying to be this image of who I think I should be. I’m tired of not feeling good enough. I’m mad that this disorder has taken away so much for almost half of my life now. It won’t happen today or tomorrow or even next month but I want to get to that sweet spot where I can look in the mirror and see more than my dislikes. I want to see my beautiful body for all that it has done and continues to do for me day in and day out. 

I tell you my story so that if you are suffering you know that you are not alone. If you are pregnant and worried about weight I tell you it’s nothing to worry about. The weight will go away, but so will the time. Time that you will regret losing because it is precious and filled with so many new things. Time that you can never get back.

Maybe instead of looking in the mirror and defining our worth by what we see, we should look inward. Inward to see and feel and know just how amazingly miraculous our bodies are. They give us life, they carry us anywhere we want to go, they heal, they nurture others, they keep us healthy and able to do so much, they grow small humans. Seriously, when you stop and think about it, aren’t our bodies absolutely freaking amazing? 

boy mom · Happiness · Life · love · Mom life · Parenting · Poetry · Words

My Son

080520160940122013-01-20_8236_highres-cop-1000x0

I stand in the doorway, watching you sleep, feeling exhausted and spent, my heart heavy.

You look so peaceful and content, a vast contradiction to just a few hours ago when you were pouting at me, telling me how I was being so unfair.

Oh my child, to love you is so easy but to be a parent to you is often times very tough.

I can see things unfolding, visualize your future and imagine roads you will go down before you are even aware they exist.

I want to wrap you up in my arms and protect you from everything.

I want to pour words into you and have them fill you up with knowledge.

I want to save you from anything that might destroy what I know you can be, but that is not within my control. 

You will need to fall down and make mistakes and learn from them.

You came from me but you are not me.

You are your own person with your own ideas and perceptions.

I can only teach you to fly so that you can go out into the world one day and spread your wings and soar.

Oh child, as I stand here tonight, taking in the sight of you, wondering how it all went so fast and how much you’ve grown, my heart swells.

I have loved you every single day, since the day you were born and I will love you always.

So even though being your mom is sometimes tough, I hope you incessantly know and feel that loving you always came easy.

boy mom · Happiness · Life · love · Mom life · Parenting · Poetry · Pregnancy · Relationships · Words

I loved you long before I met you

Long before I met you, I already loved you.

When you were just a thought in my mind, that turned into a growing baby in my belly, I already loved you.

When I heard your heartbeat for the first time.

When I felt you kick and move and stretch.

When you had the hiccups and it felt like I had the hiccups too….I already loved you.

When it was time for you to be born and I gazed upon you for the first time and heard your first cry.

When I held you in my arms and wondered how on earth I ever lived with out you. I felt a love I had never known before. I thought I loved you when you were just a thought but now that you were here, I loved you more.

While feeding you in the early hours before dawn, the house quiet and dark, looking down on your sweet face, I loved you even more.

When you slept at night, all cuddled up in your pajamas with your thumb in your mouth, I loved you even more.

When you said your first words, took your first steps, celebrated your very first birthday. My love for you was HUGE.

Yes, my love for you knows no bounds. For as each year turned into the next, my love grew and grew.

Your first day of school.

Your first time on a bike.

Your first friend.

Your first heartache.

Who knew how deeply a mother’s love would be? How strong it would become day after day, year after year.

Now you are grown, but would you believe that when I look at you I still see my little boy. The memories we have made will forever be a part of me. You have taught me to love in a way that I never knew possible. And no matter how far you may roam, you will always be in my heart.

Because long before I met you, I loved you and now that I know you, my son, I will love you forever and always ❤️