Change · grief · Happiness · Life · loss · love · Poetry · Relationships · Starting over · Thoughts · Words

That Road Trip

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Our trip started off perfect.

We traveled across the world and experienced a sort of freedom I’d only dreamed about.

We stopped at state lines to pose for pictures and stayed in dingy motels to sleep away the nights.

We had our whole lives ahead of us.

We were young and had no idea what we wanted out of life.

We thought we knew but isn’t that how most young people feel?

I cared about you so much but as the miles passed, so, it seemed, did our future together.

Instead of music blaring from the radio, the sound of happiness, the car began to fill with the noise of us yelling at each other in angry, bitter tones.

I suddenly felt trapped, like I’d rather be anywhere than here, next to you, on these strange roads, in this car.

Maybe if we would’ve just stayed friends… but I guess we thought that we could have more.

We used to have so much fun together, laughing ourselves into tears.

Staying out late, not in any hurry to get home.

Our friendship suddenly caught fire.

Those times, those memories, are faraway.

They seem like a lifetime ago.

By the time we reached our final destination, we tried to smooth things over but some things can’t be ironed out.

I ended up leaving you in the cold, as the snow fell.

Taking a flight back home.

We never really spoke again, although I’ve seen through social media that you are doing well, still living in the place where we last saw each other.

You were once a giant part of my days and now I hardly know you.

It’s strange how life ends up,

Someone you knew so intimately now a total stranger.

That road trip took us downturns we never saw coming and left us at a dead-end,

but I guess that was the plan all along,

or else I wouldn’t have met him, my now-husband.

You were just a part of my life where he is now my whole life.

You were just passing through, where he will stay a lifetime.

I sometimes think about you and the good times we had.

I hope you are out there, still doing great.

And in case you didn’t know I really once, cared a lot about you.

What we had…it was once something real to me.

 

 

grief · Life · loss · love · Poetry · Self-love · Starting over · Thoughts · Words

Too Little. Too Late.

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Seeing you, so happy and free, it sets a smile on my face but in my heart, I feel a deep sorrow. We were once in pictures together, and I used to kiss those smiling lips often. Every day with you was never too much. I honestly would never have grown tired of you by my side. You filled a void in me. You shined a light into my dark places and made me glow. I honestly believed it would never end. How foolish.

All things in life have an ending – A starting point and a finish line. Why did I think we would be any different? Perhaps it’s because you forced me to believe in something I never believed in before – Love, forever, family, a future. You shaped me into someone better. Before you I was blind and with you I could see. Like a blanket perfectly stretched across soft grass, no parts unseen, my future was also perfectly laid out. For once I could imagine everlasting joy.

It’s been years now and maybe you don’t even remember me. Maybe you can hardly recall my face or what my voice sounded like, but I could never forget you. Even if I didn’t have pictures to remind me, I would still be able to picture your face, all of your soft features, and hear you’re laugh. I still do.

Do you remember what we once were, what we once shared? Was it as real to you as it was to me? It may have been only a moment in your life but it was so much longer, so much more for me. Oh’ how I loved you.

I tell myself I need to stop looking for you and searching you online to view your present life, because every time I do I’m reminded of how much I lost and it’s like saying goodbye to you over and over again. You are not mine any longer. I need this pain, that still has a rawness, to go away so that I can begin anew.

You don’t live in the past as I do because you have created a new life for yourself. One filled with all of the things I once dreamed we would have together.

You were the love of my life and you maybe didn’t even know it. I was naive enough to think I had enough time to tell you everything you meant to me. They say that ‘what’s meant to be will always find a way’ but I disagree. I sense, deep in my soul, it was supposed to turn out to be you and I. I reckon it was all the little things I didn’t do that added up to be the big things that you needed. I was young and clueless and didn’t even know what I had. I didn’t even know what regret felt like yet.

I would give anything to be able to go back and do it all again but life just doesn’t work that way. You can’t rewind time and get years back. I have no choice but to go forward. To finally get over you, us.

I will forever remember my time with you and I will forever grieve not trying harder to keep you and my heart will always be a little bit broken. For, once someone steals a piece of it, you never truly get it back, it can’t ever be whole again. But it can be healed.

Goodbye.

 

Change · Children · grief · Happiness · Life · love · Parenting · Relationships · Thoughts · Words

I am Finally Home

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I grew up in a house, not a home.

Fighting was as normal as breathing.

Chaos ensued almost every day between my parents.

I had a father, not a dad. A woman who gave birth to me, not a mother.

I had two brothers but really I was an only child.

My childhood was not terrible but it was not wonderful.

It was marked by alcoholism, divorce, almost stepdads and lots of tears.

My mother didn’t give her love away unconditionally and my father didn’t know how to give away love unless it was attached to a dollar sign.

In fact, money was what my parents lived for. My father worked endless hours to provide a life that my mother pretty much demanded…diamonds, fur coats, nice cars, a nice house, clothes, maids, lots of “stuff”. My mother’s happiness was always tied up to things. Money was the root of everything in our home and my mother spent more than was coming in. Hence, all the fighting going on between her and my father.

It’s no wonder that growing up, I began to lack some of the tools I’d need to get through life. Life lessons were screwed up and my understanding of what love meant was blurry and confusing. I began to wonder if I was even worthy of any kind of love so I began to date the “bad boys”. I had relationships that mimicked my parents…..lots of fighting, no respect and anger. It was I who was causing all of this turmoil. I was picking fights, pointing out faults. I was saying mean things because it was what I thought this whole relationship thing was about. It was what I had seen first hand in my parent’s marriage.

It wasn’t until I met a boy that wouldn’t put up with my insanity, that I began to change. This person called me out on my crap. Left me (literally) to see if I could get it together and then came back and taught me what real love truly is and what it’s not. This man, who is now my husband, is my lifesaver. The someone who struggled with me but stood by me and has always been my rock. He came into my life at the perfect time and with him, I have become who I needed to be. Our relationship started out thorny but has blossomed over the years into something beautiful. Even though we are polar opposites we are perfect together. We are best friends. We finish each other’s sentences. Over the years we have built a home. This home is full of love, understanding, faith, and all things that a family should be. My husband gave me a gift for which I could never repay.  He saved me from all the wrong roads I most likely would’ve gone down. He saved me from repeating the pattern.

I will always have tangled, messy memories of my broken childhood, but with my husband, building a family with him, the love he gives me so freely, I have finally found my home.

 

 

 

 

 

Change · Faith · grief · Happiness · Life · loss · love · Marriage · Poetry · Relationships · Starting over · Thoughts · Words

To the man I used to know

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We were strangers.

And in all of the places we could be that night and of all of the times,

what were the odds that we should be in the exact place at the exact time?

Our eyes meeting, our hearts pounding, something inside of us stirring.

You smiled and I melted.

I didn’t know it at the time but my life would never be the same.

A handsome stranger would become the best part of my life.

You were strong and kind, mature beyond your years.

You were brave and fearless and I remember, when getting to know you, how much I envied the way you had lived your life.

Sixteen years later, I can still recall everything about that night, like it was yesterday.

Watching a boy, in a black leather jacket, steal my heart away with his infectious joy.

Looking at you now I see a man, your hair fallen away and parts turned silver.

I love you so much but we have grown so far apart.

The years have seen us through many ups and downs,

some crazy adventures and a lot of mistakes, but we are still here,

getting through this life as best we can.

As individuals and as a couple.

You are tired.

You have a sadness about you.

Your heart is like an anchor in your chest, a heaviness weighing you down.

Filled to overflowing with burdens and responsibilities.

The years have crept up on us, time has a way of doing that, doesn’t it?

One minute you are young, with the best days ahead of you and,

the next you are grown up with this full life, that sometimes just seems like a long list of to-do’s.

Loves grows from something wild and passionate to something steady and reasonable.

You pass each other in the hallway, never really seeing one another.

And as time goes by you once more return to being strangers.

The way things used to be, long forgotten.

God, I don’t want to be that far away from you.

Take my hand and let me help you remember who you used to be,

Who we used to be.

 

 

Image Credits
Creator:Pavel Talashov
Credit:Talashow – Fotolia
Copyright:Pavel Talashov

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Children · Life · love · Motherhood · Parenting · Thoughts · Words

Catch them

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If I could disburse one piece of advice,

something I’ve learned throughout the years of parenting,

it would be to catch your kids.  

Catch them doing something kind and call them out on it. 

Praise them and tell them how proud you are. 

Catch them saying something considerate and let them know you were listening. 

Show them approval and tell them how gracious they are. 

Catch them when they wake up, full of boundless energy and excitement, wanting to hug you and not let go.

Show them patience and joy. 

Catch them when they study hard and get a good grade.

Let them see how much you value them and all of their hard work.

Catch them when they do something without being asked.

Tell them how helpful they are and how much you appreciate them.

Catch them before they go to bed, the last few moments before tomorrow comes.  

Sit down next to them, read them a story, pray with them and tuck them in tightly. 

Whisper ‘I love you” before turning the lights out.

Show them unconditional love.

As we go about our days it’s all too easy to find the things done wrong. 

The mistakes, the messes. 

To yell and find frustration in our child’s behavior,

but, I know, that only leaves us feeling regretful, angry and sometimes bitter. 

I challenge you to catch them when they are doing things right. 

Watch out for those little moments that you would normally ignore. 

It will water their little souls and stir a softness in you as well.

It will sew happiness through the thread of your family and replace chaos with calm.  

It will transform the way you see your kids and the way they see you.

  Start now. 

Today.

Catch them.  

 

 

 

 

 

Change · Children · Happiness · Life · love · Mom life · Motherhood · Parenting · Poetry · Stay at home moms · Thoughts · Words

Before I was a mama

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Before I was a mama I imagined that raising kids was easy. 

My young mind pictured motherhood as holding babies, changing diapers, late-night feedings and early afternoon naps. 

I pictured firsts. First words, first tooth, first steps.

Never did I envision mouthy toddlers, independent school-age kids, and a sulky teenager. 

I didn’t foresee the days of exhaustion and thanklessness. 

The heartache, doubt, regret, and irritation that sneaks in on a daily basis. 

Before I was a mama I equated having a baby to instantaneous happiness.

I didn’t think my life would be any less but so much more.

And part of me was right. 

Babies are hard work and in giving so much of yourself away to care for them, you might feel like you lose yourself, the person you were before. 

I know at times, many times, I did.

But before my eyes, as my babies grew through the years I started to see the light in motherhood. 

It comes from little messy smiles, an unexpected hug, bedtime cuddles, Eskimo and butterfly kisses, the sound of their laughter, knowing that to them you are the entire world. 

As they grow it comes in the form of asking your opinion, telling you about their day, asking how your day’s been, an ‘I love you mom” in a text, wanting to sit next to you on the couch, still giving you hugs even though they are almost as tall as you.

Like life, motherhood goes through phases and they are each so precious, yet so fleeting. 

Don’t rush them.

In the blink of an eye, they will be over. 

Nothing about being a mama is like I pictured long ago in my youthful days, long before I could ever understand this kind of grace, this kind of sacrifice, this kind of joy. 

I could never know because I had never understood this kind of love before. 

Until I was a mama.

 

 

 

 

 

Faith · Happiness · Life · love · Poetry · Self confidence · Starting over · Thoughts · Words

Made New

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Everyday you are made new.

Fresh starts.

New possibilities.

Growth.

Change.

Beginnings.

Endings.

Everyday is an opportunity to be born again.

To say yes to what you need to and no to what you don’t.

You will never be the person you were yesterday nor the one you will be tomorrow.

Twenty-four hours can set you on a totally different course.

Wake up and rise.

Be present on purpose.

Watch the sun rise and set.

Look for the good.

Everyday hold grace, forgiveness, honesty and joy close by.

Take a chance to live the life you so desperately want.

Because one day you’ll run out of every days.