Change · grief · Happiness · Life · loss · love · Thoughts · Words

The Big House.

She lived in a big house with a small mind.

She created ugliness in beauty and chaos in peace.

She lived out her days longing for what used to be while completely ignoring what was right in front of her.

She filled herself up with regrets and stopped noticing all of her blessings.

The people in the big house tried to remind her but she had closed herself off to them.

Swept up in her own ideas about life and how little she mattered, she looked the other way when they tried to convnce her how much she was loved.

As life went on, that big house stayed the same but became less and less crowded, until one day it was just her.

All alone with her small mind, with her small life in a big house.

Alone, lost and sad.

All her life she looked backwards while all the while life was moving forward, to this exact time, this exact moment.

As she sat in a chair, in that big house, with her small mind, she all too sudden became aware of how small her life really was.

It was just her.

Everyone else had moved away, moved on or passed away.

While they had been here, she had avoided them because they had reminded her of everything she wasn’t.

They reminded her of the dreams she didn’t pursue, the future she’d never have, the goals she’d never accomplished.

While she had a family, she had pushed them away with her bitterness and hate for what she had become, somehow blaming them.

Now that they had gone, now that it was too late,

she realized that all along she had, had it all.

The marriage, the family, the big house, the dream.

She had been blind to all of it, wishing for everything else.

It had destroyed her, her marriage, her family.

The real regret was now, the end of this all, what she had become.

A lonely, widowed woman whose heart had closed off all love.

Whose small mind had created a small life.

In a big house that was now empty.

 

Change · Christian · Faith · God · Happiness · Life · loss · love · Marriage · Relationships · Religion · Thoughts · Words

The Walk

The hubs and I went on what I call a ‘date night’ walk this evening. We needed some alone time, a quiet moment to breathe and just be together. We live out in the country where there are dirt roads and wide open spaces…The perfect place to get lost in God’s beauty. As we held hands (and I stopped to take a few pics) we talked about the crisis happening all around us right now, and as we talked we both felt all of our anxieties and worries lifting off of our shoulders. In this quiet world, where the future is unknown and all of our lives have been upended we decided this is the perfect time for us to press the reset button. I think God is giving us an opportunity to slow down, to look up and finally see what we have. I don’t know about you but I feel like this could be a time of great blessings. We are going to let this time, this worldly pause, reveal to us how we can be better, how we can do better and I hope our new normal will look nothing like the old one. Take it two ways, this time can either cause you stress and panic or it can be a time of paving a new road into a much needed change.

Faith · grief · Life · loss · love · Relationships · Starting over · Thoughts · Words

The Downpour

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Sitting in the downpour, it felt like the world was falling apart around me.

That wet wooden bench was my foundation but it felt like it might melt into the earth and take me along with it.

How did I even get to this moment?

Once upon a time, the sun was shining and my heart was full.

The clouds were bright and the sky was the color of the ocean.

Possibilities seemed endless and hope was abundant.

Like birds flying through the air, full of freedom and grace, was my life.

Most days I felt not like I was walking but that I was dancing, floating above the ground.

Now I sit in the rain, soaking wet and completely broken.

You took with you the sun.

I raise my face to the darkening heavens and a million little tears fall upon my already wet skin.

Let this rain cleanse me so that I can be made new.

Let it fill in the cracks so that I can feel whole again.

I am tired of feeling so heavyhearted.

I shiver a little as the air around me grows colder and I take a deep breath.

I feel the weight of myself collapse so that I am lying on this bench and I give up.

I give up you. I give up us. I give up the promises and hopes we once said we had.

I give them up to whoever will take them and I let myself drown in my misery.

Like a seed that has just been planted, this water will help me grow, from something so small and buried and unnoticed to something that rises above the surface for the entire world to behold.

From this ugliness will bloom beauty.

In time I can walk away from this soaking wet, wooden bench, and start down the path to a new way, a new life, a new me.

In time, this moment will be only a memory with less feeling attached to it.

But for now, I just need to be here, in the rain, letting go.

 

 

Faith · friends · Happiness · Life · love · Self confidence · Self-love · Thoughts · Words

Me

I like being alone but I also like being around people.

I am outgoing but I am also shy.

I can be wild and crazy but also calm and sane.

I live in reality most days but others my head is in the clouds.

I long to make friends, to bond with others but I think most people are mean.

I want to be authentically me but then I wear a mask way too often.

I am a mix of sweet and sour, yin and yang.

I am restless but always hopeful.

Sometimes sad, with a dash of loneliness.

I try my best and often fail. But I keep trying.

I believe in God but have a lot of questions.

I’m late to pretty much everything because I hate time, so I rarely look at clocks.

I want simplicity but I also long for things.

I am strong with a little side of weak.

I can be organized in the physical sense and messy in the mental one.

Most days I am endlessly searching for meaning and most likely looking in the wrong places.

I am light and dark, push and pull.

I am human, marred, imperfect.

Just a woman, trying to navigate her life so that at the end of it, I have the fewest regrets.

Change · grief · Happiness · Life · loss · love · Poetry · Relationships · Starting over · Thoughts · Words

That Road Trip

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Our trip started off perfect.

We traveled across the world and experienced a sort of freedom I’d only dreamed about.

We stopped at state lines to pose for pictures and stayed in dingy motels to sleep away the nights.

We had our whole lives ahead of us.

We were young and had no idea what we wanted out of life.

We thought we knew but isn’t that how most young people feel?

I cared about you so much but as the miles passed, so, it seemed, did our future together.

Instead of music blaring from the radio, the sound of happiness, the car began to fill with the noise of us yelling at each other in angry, bitter tones.

I suddenly felt trapped, like I’d rather be anywhere than here, next to you, on these strange roads, in this car.

Maybe if we would’ve just stayed friends… but I guess we thought that we could have more.

We used to have so much fun together, laughing ourselves into tears.

Staying out late, not in any hurry to get home.

Our friendship suddenly caught fire.

Those times, those memories, are faraway.

They seem like a lifetime ago.

By the time we reached our final destination, we tried to smooth things over but some things can’t be ironed out.

I ended up leaving you in the cold, as the snow fell.

Taking a flight back home.

We never really spoke again, although I’ve seen through social media that you are doing well, still living in the place where we last saw each other.

You were once a giant part of my days and now I hardly know you.

It’s strange how life ends up,

Someone you knew so intimately now a total stranger.

That road trip took us downturns we never saw coming and left us at a dead-end,

but I guess that was the plan all along,

or else I wouldn’t have met him, my now-husband.

You were just a part of my life where he is now my whole life.

You were just passing through, where he will stay a lifetime.

I sometimes think about you and the good times we had.

I hope you are out there, still doing great.

And in case you didn’t know I really once, cared a lot about you.

What we had…it was once something real to me.

 

 

grief · Life · loss · love · Poetry · Self-love · Starting over · Thoughts · Words

Too Little. Too Late.

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Seeing you, so happy and free, it sets a smile on my face but in my heart, I feel a deep sorrow. We were once in pictures together, and I used to kiss those smiling lips often. Every day with you was never too much. I honestly would never have grown tired of you by my side. You filled a void in me. You shined a light into my dark places and made me glow. I honestly believed it would never end. How foolish.

All things in life have an ending – A starting point and a finish line. Why did I think we would be any different? Perhaps it’s because you forced me to believe in something I never believed in before – Love, forever, family, a future. You shaped me into someone better. Before you I was blind and with you I could see. Like a blanket perfectly stretched across soft grass, no parts unseen, my future was also perfectly laid out. For once I could imagine everlasting joy.

It’s been years now and maybe you don’t even remember me. Maybe you can hardly recall my face or what my voice sounded like, but I could never forget you. Even if I didn’t have pictures to remind me, I would still be able to picture your face, all of your soft features, and hear you’re laugh. I still do.

Do you remember what we once were, what we once shared? Was it as real to you as it was to me? It may have been only a moment in your life but it was so much longer, so much more for me. Oh’ how I loved you.

I tell myself I need to stop looking for you and searching you online to view your present life, because every time I do I’m reminded of how much I lost and it’s like saying goodbye to you over and over again. You are not mine any longer. I need this pain, that still has a rawness, to go away so that I can begin anew.

You don’t live in the past as I do because you have created a new life for yourself. One filled with all of the things I once dreamed we would have together.

You were the love of my life and you maybe didn’t even know it. I was naive enough to think I had enough time to tell you everything you meant to me. They say that ‘what’s meant to be will always find a way’ but I disagree. I sense, deep in my soul, it was supposed to turn out to be you and I. I reckon it was all the little things I didn’t do that added up to be the big things that you needed. I was young and clueless and didn’t even know what I had. I didn’t even know what regret felt like yet.

I would give anything to be able to go back and do it all again but life just doesn’t work that way. You can’t rewind time and get years back. I have no choice but to go forward. To finally get over you, us.

I will forever remember my time with you and I will forever grieve not trying harder to keep you and my heart will always be a little bit broken. For, once someone steals a piece of it, you never truly get it back, it can’t ever be whole again. But it can be healed.

Goodbye.

 

Change · Children · grief · Happiness · Life · love · Parenting · Relationships · Thoughts · Words

I am Finally Home

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I grew up in a house, not a home.

Fighting was as normal as breathing.

Chaos ensued almost every day between my parents.

I had a father, not a dad. A woman who gave birth to me, not a mother.

I had two brothers but really I was an only child.

My childhood was not terrible but it was not wonderful.

It was marked by alcoholism, divorce, almost stepdads and lots of tears.

My mother didn’t give her love away unconditionally and my father didn’t know how to give away love unless it was attached to a dollar sign.

In fact, money was what my parents lived for. My father worked endless hours to provide a life that my mother pretty much demanded…diamonds, fur coats, nice cars, a nice house, clothes, maids, lots of “stuff”. My mother’s happiness was always tied up to things. Money was the root of everything in our home and my mother spent more than was coming in. Hence, all the fighting going on between her and my father.

It’s no wonder that growing up, I began to lack some of the tools I’d need to get through life. Life lessons were screwed up and my understanding of what love meant was blurry and confusing. I began to wonder if I was even worthy of any kind of love so I began to date the “bad boys”. I had relationships that mimicked my parents…..lots of fighting, no respect and anger. It was I who was causing all of this turmoil. I was picking fights, pointing out faults. I was saying mean things because it was what I thought this whole relationship thing was about. It was what I had seen first hand in my parent’s marriage.

It wasn’t until I met a boy that wouldn’t put up with my insanity, that I began to change. This person called me out on my crap. Left me (literally) to see if I could get it together and then came back and taught me what real love truly is and what it’s not. This man, who is now my husband, is my lifesaver. The someone who struggled with me but stood by me and has always been my rock. He came into my life at the perfect time and with him, I have become who I needed to be. Our relationship started out thorny but has blossomed over the years into something beautiful. Even though we are polar opposites we are perfect together. We are best friends. We finish each other’s sentences. Over the years we have built a home. This home is full of love, understanding, faith, and all things that a family should be. My husband gave me a gift for which I could never repay.  He saved me from all the wrong roads I most likely would’ve gone down. He saved me from repeating the pattern.

I will always have tangled, messy memories of my broken childhood, but with my husband, building a family with him, the love he gives me so freely, I have finally found my home.

 

 

 

 

 

Change · Faith · grief · Happiness · Life · loss · love · Marriage · Poetry · Relationships · Starting over · Thoughts · Words

To the man I used to know

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We were strangers.

And in all of the places we could be that night and of all of the times,

what were the odds that we should be in the exact place at the exact time?

Our eyes meeting, our hearts pounding, something inside of us stirring.

You smiled and I melted.

I didn’t know it at the time but my life would never be the same.

A handsome stranger would become the best part of my life.

You were strong and kind, mature beyond your years.

You were brave and fearless and I remember, when getting to know you, how much I envied the way you had lived your life.

Sixteen years later, I can still recall everything about that night, like it was yesterday.

Watching a boy, in a black leather jacket, steal my heart away with his infectious joy.

Looking at you now I see a man, your hair fallen away and parts turned silver.

I love you so much but we have grown so far apart.

The years have seen us through many ups and downs,

some crazy adventures and a lot of mistakes, but we are still here,

getting through this life as best we can.

As individuals and as a couple.

You are tired.

You have a sadness about you.

Your heart is like an anchor in your chest, a heaviness weighing you down.

Filled to overflowing with burdens and responsibilities.

The years have crept up on us, time has a way of doing that, doesn’t it?

One minute you are young, with the best days ahead of you and,

the next you are grown up with this full life, that sometimes just seems like a long list of to-do’s.

Loves grows from something wild and passionate to something steady and reasonable.

You pass each other in the hallway, never really seeing one another.

And as time goes by you once more return to being strangers.

The way things used to be, long forgotten.

God, I don’t want to be that far away from you.

Take my hand and let me help you remember who you used to be,

Who we used to be.

 

 

Image Credits
Creator:Pavel Talashov
Credit:Talashow – Fotolia
Copyright:Pavel Talashov

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Children · Life · love · Motherhood · Parenting · Thoughts · Words

Catch them

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If I could disburse one piece of advice,

something I’ve learned throughout the years of parenting,

it would be to catch your kids.  

Catch them doing something kind and call them out on it. 

Praise them and tell them how proud you are. 

Catch them saying something considerate and let them know you were listening. 

Show them approval and tell them how gracious they are. 

Catch them when they wake up, full of boundless energy and excitement, wanting to hug you and not let go.

Show them patience and joy. 

Catch them when they study hard and get a good grade.

Let them see how much you value them and all of their hard work.

Catch them when they do something without being asked.

Tell them how helpful they are and how much you appreciate them.

Catch them before they go to bed, the last few moments before tomorrow comes.  

Sit down next to them, read them a story, pray with them and tuck them in tightly. 

Whisper ‘I love you” before turning the lights out.

Show them unconditional love.

As we go about our days it’s all too easy to find the things done wrong. 

The mistakes, the messes. 

To yell and find frustration in our child’s behavior,

but, I know, that only leaves us feeling regretful, angry and sometimes bitter. 

I challenge you to catch them when they are doing things right. 

Watch out for those little moments that you would normally ignore. 

It will water their little souls and stir a softness in you as well.

It will sew happiness through the thread of your family and replace chaos with calm.  

It will transform the way you see your kids and the way they see you.

  Start now. 

Today.

Catch them.  

 

 

 

 

 

Change · Children · Happiness · Life · love · Mom life · Motherhood · Parenting · Poetry · Stay at home moms · Thoughts · Words

Before I was a mama

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Before I was a mama I imagined that raising kids was easy. 

My young mind pictured motherhood as holding babies, changing diapers, late-night feedings and early afternoon naps. 

I pictured firsts. First words, first tooth, first steps.

Never did I envision mouthy toddlers, independent school-age kids, and a sulky teenager. 

I didn’t foresee the days of exhaustion and thanklessness. 

The heartache, doubt, regret, and irritation that sneaks in on a daily basis. 

Before I was a mama I equated having a baby to instantaneous happiness.

I didn’t think my life would be any less but so much more.

And part of me was right. 

Babies are hard work and in giving so much of yourself away to care for them, you might feel like you lose yourself, the person you were before. 

I know at times, many times, I did.

But before my eyes, as my babies grew through the years I started to see the light in motherhood. 

It comes from little messy smiles, an unexpected hug, bedtime cuddles, Eskimo and butterfly kisses, the sound of their laughter, knowing that to them you are the entire world. 

As they grow it comes in the form of asking your opinion, telling you about their day, asking how your day’s been, an ‘I love you mom” in a text, wanting to sit next to you on the couch, still giving you hugs even though they are almost as tall as you.

Like life, motherhood goes through phases and they are each so precious, yet so fleeting. 

Don’t rush them.

In the blink of an eye, they will be over. 

Nothing about being a mama is like I pictured long ago in my youthful days, long before I could ever understand this kind of grace, this kind of sacrifice, this kind of joy. 

I could never know because I had never understood this kind of love before. 

Until I was a mama.