Change · grief · Life · loss · Parenting · Relationships · Self confidence · Self-love · Thoughts · Toxic Parenting · Words

It’s Time…

I wake to the sound of music blaring. My alarm clock telling me the day has started. I steal a quick glance at the red blare that is the time and hit the snooze button. I lie back down, my head sinking once again in the soft, grey pillow. It’s still dark outside and I want to go back to sleep more than anything, but I have things to do. I have no other option but to wake up. My eyes feel groggy and my mind feels heavy. I didn’t sleep well last night. My mind kept racing over events of the day and it kept me from finding any peace in the quietness of the night. Now I am at once, thinking over things again, not even 2 minutes after I awake.

Life sometimes feels so heavy and burdensome. I feel like I’m given way more than I can handle and not the proper tools to handle them with. There is this life I want, the one I am trying to build and then there is the life I have, my past, that I can’t seem to shake. I think maybe because I keep revisiting what already happened and I keep trying to fix it, make it different now, in the future. Why can’t I realize that I can’t change things, it’s not within my power. I’m tired of feeling a lack of worth. I’m tired of having this hole inside of me that I keep trying to fill. I’m tired of punishing myself with what I did, what I should’ve done and a thousand regrets.

Often I look at my age and wonder how I got to be this old already and things are still going on like this. I want to make you love me like I needed all these years. I want to help you see how you wronged me and I want you to apologize. I want to be able to have a relationship with you that is healthy and good. I reach out to you, I try to talk to you, I let you back in again and again and again but still you are unchanged. I love you because you raised me and there are some good parts of you I remember but I can’t keep subjecting myself to you. Every time we try, the pieces of me I have built, all the hard work I have done, start crumbling down. These years we have been apart I have become someone else, a person that is stronger, more confident, less angry. I have discovered things about myself I never knew before. I have bloomed and grown into a life I love. I have no room for toxic people, negativity, manipulation, guilt, and lies. You can choose to not see the truth and create your own reality but I want no part of it. I know what happened, I know the truth. For most of my life, I have been dragging you along, hoping to change you, now I see how much of a burden that has been and how impossible a feat. I am tired and my life is not being lived the way it should. You are older. You may not have a lot of years left on this earth and I hate to think of years going by, with us not speaking, and one day getting the call that you have passed. I wish more than anything, we could have a relationship. I will miss you like I have been. I will grieve for the mother I never had but always wanted. This is the last time I will try. This is the last time I will say goodbye. I will always love you but, from afar and quietly.

Blaring music once again fills the room and I quickly shut it off. I can do this. I need to do this. It is time once again to let you go. This time for good. So I rise up, out of bed, and begin to take back my life. Little by little. Piece by piece. 

Change · Christian · Faith · God · Happiness · Life · Religion · Self confidence · Self-love · Thoughts · Words

Everyday.

Give yourself room to grow today.  

Listen for that voice, the slight whisper, that you often ignore. It’s your intuition, your spirit, guiding you. 

Watch for signs that light the way and confirm you are heading in the right direction. Some coincidences are hints that you are on the right path, ready for a breakthrough. Pay attention to them.

Be brave enough to make mistakes by trying, yet be humble enough to admit when you are wrong. 

Count your blessings and name them if you need reminding. Oftentimes we get so busy searching for ‘things’ we forget what we already have. 

Be okay in the not knowing and hold tight to patience. God is working things out for you. It just may not be in the time you expected.

Don’t go looking for happiness in possessions or other people. Authentic happiness can only be found inside of you. It’s always there and it’s always free. Searching for it elsewhere will only lead to discontentment.

Put your phone down for a while and look up and around. Take in the sky, the clouds, the birds, the treetops. Take in life, you will never find peace if you are always connected. 

Take a moment to kneel. Thank God that you woke up today. That you still have chances and opportunities. That you have another day to be because tomorrow could arrive but there is no promise that you will see it.

Live with reckless abandon. 

Pursue life.

It will all go by too fast and you only get this one shot.

Faith · Happiness · Life · love · Poetry · Self confidence · Starting over · Thoughts · Words

Made New

The-Sun-Rising

Everyday you are made new.

Fresh starts.

New possibilities.

Growth.

Change.

Beginnings.

Endings.

Everyday is an opportunity to be born again.

To say yes to what you need to and no to what you don’t.

You will never be the person you were yesterday nor the one you will be tomorrow.

Twenty-four hours can set you on a totally different course.

Wake up and rise.

Be present on purpose.

Watch the sun rise and set.

Look for the good.

Everyday hold grace, forgiveness, honesty and joy close by.

Take a chance to live the life you so desperately want.

Because one day you’ll run out of every days.

Faith · Happiness · Life · love · Relationships · Self confidence · Self-love · Words

Read this book now!

I just love Brené Brown, and this book, The Gifts of Imperfection, is a must read for everyone.

I’ve been highlighting so many words of wisdom in this book and this right here really spoke to me 💕 It is how I would describe myself to a tee. I am constantly searching for worthiness in others opinions of me and in society in general. I have this idea about how I should be and so I tuck away parts of me when I’m around others and give them the pieces of me I think they want to see because if they really saw who I am they would run. So in a way I am performing, perfecting, pleasing and proving all the time and let me tell you….it is exhausting. I stand outside of my story almost daily and distance myself from who I am while trying to figure out who I want to be. Life is tough but it’s even tougher when you don’t love yourself or feel like you belong. I’m ready to stand in the middle of my story and embrace it…even the messy and ugly parts because I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t have this story to tell. This book is encouraging me to fully begin to understand myself and to find my worth inside of me, not from the world. Because I want to make the best of this life I’ve been given and not cheat myself out of all I am and all I can become.

Beauty · Happiness · Life · love · Poetry · Self confidence · Self-love · Words

Wings

She wanted to be loved in a way that was completely unconditional but all the love she found had strings.

She wanted to be looked at like a beautiful sunset falling into the smoothest ocean on a clear day but no one ever looked at her like that.

She wanted to be held in two arms that felt like safety. Once she was in them, her fears would melt away like ice cream on a hot day.

She journeyed for years, always searching. Always looking, yet all roads led back to her being alone.

She cried when others found what she wanted, not because she wasn’t happy for them, but because every time she felt that hole inside of her growing deeper and wider.

Oh how she longed to belong.

And then one day she stopped. Stopped looking. Stopped wanting and decided that maybe what she wanted wasn’t outside, in the world, but inside of her, waiting to be unlocked and then opened.

And so she sang and danced. She read books and ran. She drew pretty pictures and stood in rain storms. She became passionate about her life and all the things she could do.

And one day she realized how happy she was.

She celebrated life everyday and in turn life became a celebration.

Then one starry night, she found a road she hadn’t seen before and began to skip joyously down it, following with the light of the moonlit beams above.

This road went straight. It was an easy road.

At the end of it stood love.

When he saw her he said “There you are. I have been waiting quite awhile for you to find me, but first you had to find yourself.” Then he opened his arms wide, like giant wings, and she stepped into them and suddenly she was home.

Beauty · Happiness · Life · love · Poetry · Self confidence · Self-love · Words

Set Free

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She is not lost, just waiting to be discovered. 

She wanders aimlessly, looking into the mirror for answers.

Considering her reflection as a way to tell the truth about herself. 

But her reflection is just that, a reflection of the outer self. 

A view of just a small piece of the entire part.

If only she would look inward, the truth would be revealed

and that glass mirror would shatter, it’s meaning gone.

She would be set free from her own restraints

and her life would have new meaning. 

She just hasn’t discovered this truth yet, but she will soon. 

And when she does, watch out,

because the world will get to see her bloom. 

And her garden will be so full of beauty

where once there were just seeds waiting to be planted.