Change · grief · Happiness · Life · loss · love · Thoughts · Words

The Big House.

She lived in a big house with a small mind.

She created ugliness in beauty and chaos in peace.

She lived out her days longing for what used to be while completely ignoring what was right in front of her.

She filled herself up with regrets and stopped noticing all of her blessings.

The people in the big house tried to remind her but she had closed herself off to them.

Swept up in her own ideas about life and how little she mattered, she looked the other way when they tried to convnce her how much she was loved.

As life went on, that big house stayed the same but became less and less crowded, until one day it was just her.

All alone with her small mind, with her small life in a big house.

Alone, lost and sad.

All her life she looked backwards while all the while life was moving forward, to this exact time, this exact moment.

As she sat in a chair, in that big house, with her small mind, she all too sudden became aware of how small her life really was.

It was just her.

Everyone else had moved away, moved on or passed away.

While they had been here, she had avoided them because they had reminded her of everything she wasn’t.

They reminded her of the dreams she didn’t pursue, the future she’d never have, the goals she’d never accomplished.

While she had a family, she had pushed them away with her bitterness and hate for what she had become, somehow blaming them.

Now that they had gone, now that it was too late,

she realized that all along she had, had it all.

The marriage, the family, the big house, the dream.

She had been blind to all of it, wishing for everything else.

It had destroyed her, her marriage, her family.

The real regret was now, the end of this all, what she had become.

A lonely, widowed woman whose heart had closed off all love.

Whose small mind had created a small life.

In a big house that was now empty.

 

Change · Faith · God · Life · Poetry · Prayer · Religion · Thoughts · Words

Her Anchor

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In these troubling times, when uncertainty is more abundant than ever, 

she finds that her faith remains strong and loyal. 

She knows that there will always be two sets of footprints in the sand, 

no matter where she ends up or what the outcome. 

She will never be alone. 

She will hold onto the only truth that is constant, God.

He is her anchor, grounding her in the unsteady waves and storms of life.

She will hold tight to His unconditional love and mercy and she will not drown.

 

 

 

Change · Faith · Happiness · Life · Thoughts · Words

These Days.

It’s beautiful to see the way the world is coming together for each other right now.

In this foreign new world, I’m seeing abundant beauty.

People are sharing their gifts, for free, in order to shine a light in the darkness, an act of true selflessness.

Never before have I witnessed such extreme acts of kindness and love for complete strangers.

Even though most of us are living out these redunant days inside the walls of our homes with only our immediate family,

people outside are being brought in through the wonders of technology and we are all being connected.

It’s hard to feel alone.

It’s comforting to know that goodness still exists and in times of distress we are all still connected.

It’s wonderful to see how abundant hope, joy, faith and friendship is and how easily it is being shared.

Hold tight to this time right now, and stay positive.

The world is truely a beautiful place, that even in times of chaos and confusion,

we can come together, as one, and hold each other up.

THAT is the true experience of altruism.

 

 

 

Change · Faith · grief · Happiness · Life · Self-love · Starting over · Thoughts · Words

Pause.

Don’t let this quiet world get you down.

There is so much hope that can be found in each sunrise,

promises held in each sunset.

Don’t stay behind windows, locked inside with panic and fear.

Open your door and step outside into the beauty of everything that still remains.

Watch the birds flying freely and let go, shake loose the restrictions you have placed on yourself.

Feel the wind on your face and let it remind you to breathe, deeply and with intention.

Look up to see the clouds floating passively in the sky and look inward to find grace.

In this time of uncertainity, look around at the things that haven’t changed to find some grounding within yourself.

Hold tight to all things good: love, patience, joy, kindness, hope.

Let go of those things that serve no real purpose: fear, anxiety, control, panic.

These long days of isolation will pass, like days always do.

Time will move forward and lives will go back to normal.

Let this time of pause be a time of self-care.

Let this time of pause remind us of what really matters.

Let this time of pause open our eyes to the things we’ve been holding onto that we now can let go of.

Pausing can be a good thing because it forces us to stop.

And when we stop we have the chance to see more clearly.

We have the chance to take chances we might never of taken before.

So step back from your windows and instead of waiting,

start living the life you really want to live when we press play again.

 

Change · Christian · Faith · God · Happiness · Life · loss · love · Marriage · Relationships · Religion · Thoughts · Words

The Walk

The hubs and I went on what I call a ‘date night’ walk this evening. We needed some alone time, a quiet moment to breathe and just be together. We live out in the country where there are dirt roads and wide open spaces…The perfect place to get lost in God’s beauty. As we held hands (and I stopped to take a few pics) we talked about the crisis happening all around us right now, and as we talked we both felt all of our anxieties and worries lifting off of our shoulders. In this quiet world, where the future is unknown and all of our lives have been upended we decided this is the perfect time for us to press the reset button. I think God is giving us an opportunity to slow down, to look up and finally see what we have. I don’t know about you but I feel like this could be a time of great blessings. We are going to let this time, this worldly pause, reveal to us how we can be better, how we can do better and I hope our new normal will look nothing like the old one. Take it two ways, this time can either cause you stress and panic or it can be a time of paving a new road into a much needed change.

Body love · body positivity · ditch the diet · Happiness · Life · Self confidence · Self-love · Thoughts · Words

Imperfectly Perfect

Wearing a black one-piece bathing suit, the pattern just a simple solid, I make my way to the shoreline,

the unfamiliar feeling of freedom coursing through my veins.

I’m not worrying about how my body looks,

not caring about what others are thinking of me.

I am simply present in the moment.

I feel the heat of the sun on my back, 

the way the soft breeze plays with my hair, 

the feel of the gritty sand between my toes,

and a realization comes to me,

I have finally accepted myself, 

and in doing so I have let go of fear.

The fear of not being good enough. 

The fear of other people’s judgment.  

The fear of MY judgment whenever I faced a mirror.

I’m as vulnerable as I’ll ever be in this bathing suit, 

but I am not hiding, 

I am not covering up.

I am not afraid. 

This is me.

This is who I am. 

Unapologetically,

Imperfectly perfect, me.

Faith · grief · Life · loss · love · Relationships · Starting over · Thoughts · Words

The Downpour

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Sitting in the downpour, it felt like the world was falling apart around me.

That wet wooden bench was my foundation but it felt like it might melt into the earth and take me along with it.

How did I even get to this moment?

Once upon a time, the sun was shining and my heart was full.

The clouds were bright and the sky was the color of the ocean.

Possibilities seemed endless and hope was abundant.

Like birds flying through the air, full of freedom and grace, was my life.

Most days I felt not like I was walking but that I was dancing, floating above the ground.

Now I sit in the rain, soaking wet and completely broken.

You took with you the sun.

I raise my face to the darkening heavens and a million little tears fall upon my already wet skin.

Let this rain cleanse me so that I can be made new.

Let it fill in the cracks so that I can feel whole again.

I am tired of feeling so heavyhearted.

I shiver a little as the air around me grows colder and I take a deep breath.

I feel the weight of myself collapse so that I am lying on this bench and I give up.

I give up you. I give up us. I give up the promises and hopes we once said we had.

I give them up to whoever will take them and I let myself drown in my misery.

Like a seed that has just been planted, this water will help me grow, from something so small and buried and unnoticed to something that rises above the surface for the entire world to behold.

From this ugliness will bloom beauty.

In time I can walk away from this soaking wet, wooden bench, and start down the path to a new way, a new life, a new me.

In time, this moment will be only a memory with less feeling attached to it.

But for now, I just need to be here, in the rain, letting go.

 

 

Faith · friends · Happiness · Life · love · Self confidence · Self-love · Thoughts · Words

Me

I like being alone but I also like being around people.

I am outgoing but I am also shy.

I can be wild and crazy but also calm and sane.

I live in reality most days but others my head is in the clouds.

I long to make friends, to bond with others but I think most people are mean.

I want to be authentically me but then I wear a mask way too often.

I am a mix of sweet and sour, yin and yang.

I am restless but always hopeful.

Sometimes sad, with a dash of loneliness.

I try my best and often fail. But I keep trying.

I believe in God but have a lot of questions.

I’m late to pretty much everything because I hate time, so I rarely look at clocks.

I want simplicity but I also long for things.

I am strong with a little side of weak.

I can be organized in the physical sense and messy in the mental one.

Most days I am endlessly searching for meaning and most likely looking in the wrong places.

I am light and dark, push and pull.

I am human, marred, imperfect.

Just a woman, trying to navigate her life so that at the end of it, I have the fewest regrets.

Change · Life · Self-love · Thoughts · Words

Purpose

Finding purpose in life is not always as easy as it sounds.

I’ve found that some people know their calling at an early age, while others are well into middle age and still don’t know.

I’ve often wondered why that is. Does the breath of the universe somehow whisper into some people’s ears, while ignoring others?

Are some people meant to do great works while others are merely meant for mediocre things?

We are told that each of us has a specific purpose that we are meant to accomplish in our lives, be it a career, becoming a parent, a hobby, a talent…We are, each one of us, supposed to possess some divine purpose.

But what if you have no idea what your purpose is? Where do you find out?

My thoughts are that all things are revealed to us at the right time, but we have to be open and listening.

On those days where you feel like you were meant for more when you feel that deep longing in your soul, pay attention to what you are longing for.

Maybe your purpose is to be a mom and raise children who will grow up to change the world. However, you think that there is more for you. Maybe there isn’t. Maybe your place right now is at home, taking care of your family.

Maybe your purpose is to work hard at a career or job. You might feel like you want more but maybe where you are right now, is truly where you’re supposed to be, and in time, when the universe knows you are ready, things will change.

Waking up every day and being alive gives us so much to experience and be grateful for. This new day is a new purpose. So don’t waste it away wishing or hoping for more. Use what you have and be where you are. Soak in the present moments and enjoy your life. Because the ultimate purpose of life is not just to be alive but to live.

 

Change · Christmas · grief · Life · loss · Relationships · Thoughts · Words

A Not So Merry Christmas

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Sometimes holidays aren’t joyous. There is no anticipation of seeing parents, relatives, family. There’s no visiting people who love you and know you because they raised you. 

Sometimes holidays aren’t households full of families, long tables set for dinner where love is emulated over food and stacks of presents await opening under a lit tree. 

Sometimes holidays aren’t anything but empty days that remind you of all that you don’t have. As you look around you see and hear about other people’s plans and you feel like you have just experienced a great loss all over again. 

You envy the excitement, laughter, fullness of being loved by so many and you wonder what that would even feel like. To be surrounded so that you didn’t feel so lonely. To be noticed so that you didn’t feel so invisible. To be loved so that you didn’t feel so worthless. 

Every year, the holidays come and every year they take another piece of my heart. Especially when I see the sadness on my children’s faces as they too wonder why it is only us when others have so many.  I try to give them all of me but I know that it isn’t enough. They will grow up never knowing the love of an extended family. If I could give them one thing it would be that. 

Instead, we make do with our own little family. We put up the tree, decorate cookies, wrap presents and listen to Christmas songs. We do our best to make the best of what we do have, all the while knowing exactly what we’re missing.