Faith · grief · Life · loss · love · Relationships · Starting over · Words

What Remains

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I wake to the sound of birds chirping, the suns light washing over everything. The first thing I see when I roll over is the framed picture of us.

A small oak frame that holds the memory of a moment once alive but now only a snapshot.

The way you are looking at me, your smile as wide as it ever was, reaching ear to ear. The look of love so evident.

We had the kind of love that some people never even know exists. I didn’t even know it existed until I met you. Oh it was magical.

Staring at that picture, I have proof that it existed. You were once real. You were once here, a living, breathing man that stole my heart on a cold November day.

I sit all the way up and plant my feet on the floor, taking hold of the frame as I do every morning.

I feel the wood, the softness of it between my fingers. I stare at who I used to be. I hardly recognize that woman anymore.

When you left, you took most of me too. You were my heart, my soul, my other half. It felt like, at times, you were even the air I breathed.

I try to hold back my saddness but a single tear flows down my cheek and I can’t help but feel my heart breaking all over again. I still need you. I don’t think I can do this without you.

I take a few minutes to compose myself and rise, setting the frame back in it’s resting place.

A new day is here, I cannot force the night to stay no matter how much I beg. The sun always rises and forces me to wake.

Like yesterday, and the day before that, I will try to get through these hours of daylight. I have to live, for you, for me, for us. I know that is what you would want because while you were here, you lived life to the fullest and thought of each new day as an adventure.

You taught me how to stop being only alive. You showed me how to open each new day as a gift. You did not waste a single second of an hour. Maybe somehow you knew that you had a short life, or maybe you just knew how precious life was.

You were truly magic and you made life magical.

I am not sure I can do this today, lie you to rest and say goodbye. I always hated goodbyes but knowing this one is so permenant, that I will never see that smile again or hear your voice…how can I ever say goodbye?

In a few hours I will be glancing at your face, touching you for the last time. You will become a memory of what once was. A man that once existed and was the love of my life.

I will wear black and I will mourn you but I won’t let go. Not yet, maybe not ever.

Then I will return to a life without you and learn all over again how to be alone. Knowing that without you, my life, forever changed, can never be whole again.

You are irreplaceable. 

Even though you are gone, our love will remain through me, and this child that grows inside me. A part of you that will live on, a part of us that will forever be ours.

Living, breathing proof of our love and what we created.

 

 

    

Faith · Happiness · Life · love · Relationships · Self confidence · Self-love · Words

Read this book now!

I just love Brené Brown, and this book, The Gifts of Imperfection, is a must read for everyone.

I’ve been highlighting so many words of wisdom in this book and this right here really spoke to me 💕 It is how I would describe myself to a tee. I am constantly searching for worthiness in others opinions of me and in society in general. I have this idea about how I should be and so I tuck away parts of me when I’m around others and give them the pieces of me I think they want to see because if they really saw who I am they would run. So in a way I am performing, perfecting, pleasing and proving all the time and let me tell you….it is exhausting. I stand outside of my story almost daily and distance myself from who I am while trying to figure out who I want to be. Life is tough but it’s even tougher when you don’t love yourself or feel like you belong. I’m ready to stand in the middle of my story and embrace it…even the messy and ugly parts because I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t have this story to tell. This book is encouraging me to fully begin to understand myself and to find my worth inside of me, not from the world. Because I want to make the best of this life I’ve been given and not cheat myself out of all I am and all I can become.

Faith · grief · Happiness · Life · loss · love · Poetry · Relationships · Self-love · Starting over · Words

Turns in the road

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I often wonder where I went wrong.

What road did I miss turning down and why didn’t I see it?

Was I too busy searching instead of looking?

Was my head down when it should have been up?

I can’t seem to pin point the exact moment things started to unravel.

Is there even one exact moment?

Maybe it happened over years and years of choices and decisions?

And this unraveling was slow.

Maybe I missed many turns because I just wanted to go straight and keep to the comfort of my familiarity?

I’m not quite sure where it all became this messy,

but I see it now and it’s too late.

Time cannot be rewound,

Words cannot be swallowed as if they were never spoken.

I have reached this destination and I can only go forward and see where it takes me,

And this time, keep my eyes out for those turns.

boy mom · Faith · Life · love · Mom life · Parenting · Relationships · Starting over · Words

Our Children

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We raise our children to find their wings and fly.

Our home is their nest for the making of the person they will become.

It is their foundation on which everything else is built.

We give them love and encouragement.

We establish in them faith and forgiveness.

We let them fall and watch them rise.

And in the process, as they go from toddler to teenager,

as they start to gain independence and taste freedom,

we find ourselves having to let go a little of them each day,

until one day we open our doors and watch them soar into the world.

It may seem far off or it might be just around the corner,

but the day will come.

You will watch as the person you made, the person you grew,

spreads their wings in this great big world,

and leaves home to find themselves.

Happiness · Life · loss · love · Poetry · Relationships · Self-love · Starting over · Words

Forgiveness

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Forgiveness comes in many forms. 

Sometimes it comes face to face with someone when apologies are uttered. 

It can come instantly or sometimes it takes time. 

It can come in a quiet moment, after years of anger and heartache,

You feel you can’t stand to carry the pain around with you any longer and so you choose to let it go. 

Because if you don’t you will never fully be at peace.

Little by little the bitterness will chip away pieces of you

And you can never be whole like that.

 

 

Body love · body positivity · boy mom · ditch the diet · Eating recovery · Happiness · Life · Mom life · Parenting · Relationships · Self confidence · Self-love · Words

My Three Sons

 

I missed the first few months of all three of my boys lives. Not physically but mentally. My mind was consumed with how my body looked after giving birth, all the weight I’d have to lose, the clothes I needed to fit back into, the exercises I’d have to do. My new mom mind was not preoccupied with all things baby, as it should have been, but on me getting my body back. I did this all three times I gave birth, not learning anything from the previous time. 

I was twenty-six when I gave birth to my first son and newly out of my bulimia. Becoming pregnant forced me into a reality check to lose the bingeing and purging cycle. I had more to think about than myself and so I quit cold turkey. I wanted to start being a good mom right away. As my belly grew though, I remember having concerns about my rising weight and worrying it would stay on me permanately but I ate what I craved and started a simple yoga routine. 

I was thirty when I gave birth to my second son and in-between those two pregnancies my bulimia was pretty much nil, but she would show up from time to time and remind me of certain foods that were off-limits. I gave birth, having gained the same amount of weight as the first time around, and yet still worried that I’d never lose the weight. 

My third pregnancy happened when I was thirty-four and my eating habits were still the same through the years, trying so hard to be ‘good’ when choosing foods and punishing myself when I ate badly. I gave birth that third time and yet still hated what I saw when I stripped down to take a shower. Nevermind that my body had just made a baby in a matter of months and grown that baby to perfection and then birthed that baby into the world, for a third time. My body was ugly, gross and I was completely ashamed and mortified with what I saw.

Three times I gave birth and three times my mind obsessed over my body, my weight, the number on the scale, the ‘before’ clothes I used to fit into, the food I ate. Three times, years apart, I missed out on my babies. I missed out on the joy of being present and building a bond. I missed out on little things and I missed out on big things. I robbed myself of a time I can never get back.

Now my sons are fifteen, eleven and five and I still struggle most days with my body image and my food. Bulimia is a constant thorn in my side and I have to work every day to keep her away. When I first started seeing a counselor in my early twenties, a few years into my eating disorder, she wisely told me that even if the act itself goes away, I would always have the disorder in my life, it would never really vanish and I would have to push it down continually. She was right. 

I am tired of trying to be this image of who I think I should be. I’m tired of not feeling good enough. I’m mad that this disorder has taken away so much for almost half of my life now. It won’t happen today or tomorrow or even next month but I want to get to that sweet spot where I can look in the mirror and see more than my dislikes. I want to see my beautiful body for all that it has done and continues to do for me day in and day out. 

I tell you my story so that if you are suffering you know that you are not alone. If you are pregnant and worried about weight I tell you it’s nothing to worry about. The weight will go away, but so will the time. Time that you will regret losing because it is precious and filled with so many new things. Time that you can never get back.

Maybe instead of looking in the mirror and defining our worth by what we see, we should look inward. Inward to see and feel and know just how amazingly miraculous our bodies are. They give us life, they carry us anywhere we want to go, they heal, they nurture others, they keep us healthy and able to do so much, they grow small humans. Seriously, when you stop and think about it, aren’t our bodies absolutely freaking amazing? 

friends · grief · Life · loss · love · Poetry · Relationships · Words

Longing for you

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You are my entire weakness. 

Every time I see you I want you but I know I can never have you. 

You belong to someone else. 

If life were different, another time, another place, we would be soul mates instead of friends. 

I know you feel it too. I see it in the way you look at me, the longing, the sadness.

I hear it in your voice when you say my name.

I wish I could stop feeling this way but my heart is so dedicated to you. 

It skips a beat every time you are near me and a thousand tiny butterflies set flight. 

I desire to know a life with you. 

The taste of your mouth on mine, the feel of your skin against my own, your hand slipping through mine.

We’d spend dark nights concealed by the shadow of the moon and early mornings in the suns balmy rays.

I wish, but when did wishing for something ever make it real?

We will stay familiar as friends.

I will laugh and smile when I see you and feign that I don’t feel a thing. 

And when you leave with her, you will be taking a piece of me with you once again. 

This is the way it must be. 

In this version of time we are not destined to be. 

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