Beauty · Happiness · Life · love · Poetry · Self confidence · Self-love · Words

Set Free

Jenn JohnsonLeave a comment

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She is not lost, just waiting to be discovered. 

She wanders aimlessly, looking into the mirror for answers.

Considering her reflection as a way to tell the truth about herself. 

But her reflection is just that, a reflection of the outer self. 

A view of just a small piece of the entire part.

If only she would look inward, the truth would be revealed

and that glass mirror would shatter, it’s meaning gone.

She would be set free from her own restraints

and her life would have new meaning. 

She just hasn’t discovered this truth yet, but she will soon. 

And when she does, watch out,

because the world will get to see her bloom. 

And her garden will be so full of beauty

where once there were just seeds waiting to be planted. 

 

 

Body love · body positivity · boy mom · ditch the diet · Eating recovery · Happiness · Life · Mom life · Parenting · Relationships · Self confidence · Self-love · Words

My Three Sons

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I missed the first few months of all three of my boys lives. Not physically but mentally. My mind was consumed with how my body looked after giving birth, all the weight I’d have to lose, the clothes I needed to fit back into, the exercises I’d have to do. My new mom mind was not preoccupied with all things baby, as it should have been, but on me getting my body back. I did this all three times I gave birth, not learning anything from the previous time. 

I was twenty-six when I gave birth to my first son and newly out of my bulimia. Becoming pregnant forced me into a reality check to lose the bingeing and purging cycle. I had more to think about than myself and so I quit cold turkey. I wanted to start being a good mom right away. As my belly grew though, I remember having concerns about my rising weight and worrying it would stay on me permanately but I ate what I craved and started a simple yoga routine. 

I was thirty when I gave birth to my second son and in-between those two pregnancies my bulimia was pretty much nil, but she would show up from time to time and remind me of certain foods that were off-limits. I gave birth, having gained the same amount of weight as the first time around, and yet still worried that I’d never lose the weight. 

My third pregnancy happened when I was thirty-four and my eating habits were still the same through the years, trying so hard to be ‘good’ when choosing foods and punishing myself when I ate badly. I gave birth that third time and yet still hated what I saw when I stripped down to take a shower. Nevermind that my body had just made a baby in a matter of months and grown that baby to perfection and then birthed that baby into the world, for a third time. My body was ugly, gross and I was completely ashamed and mortified with what I saw.

Three times I gave birth and three times my mind obsessed over my body, my weight, the number on the scale, the ‘before’ clothes I used to fit into, the food I ate. Three times, years apart, I missed out on my babies. I missed out on the joy of being present and building a bond. I missed out on little things and I missed out on big things. I robbed myself of a time I can never get back.

Now my sons are fifteen, eleven and five and I still struggle most days with my body image and my food. Bulimia is a constant thorn in my side and I have to work every day to keep her away. When I first started seeing a counselor in my early twenties, a few years into my eating disorder, she wisely told me that even if the act itself goes away, I would always have the disorder in my life, it would never really vanish and I would have to push it down continually. She was right. 

I am tired of trying to be this image of who I think I should be. I’m tired of not feeling good enough. I’m mad that this disorder has taken away so much for almost half of my life now. It won’t happen today or tomorrow or even next month but I want to get to that sweet spot where I can look in the mirror and see more than my dislikes. I want to see my beautiful body for all that it has done and continues to do for me day in and day out. 

I tell you my story so that if you are suffering you know that you are not alone. If you are pregnant and worried about weight I tell you it’s nothing to worry about. The weight will go away, but so will the time. Time that you will regret losing because it is precious and filled with so many new things. Time that you can never get back.

Maybe instead of looking in the mirror and defining our worth by what we see, we should look inward. Inward to see and feel and know just how amazingly miraculous our bodies are. They give us life, they carry us anywhere we want to go, they heal, they nurture others, they keep us healthy and able to do so much, they grow small humans. Seriously, when you stop and think about it, aren’t our bodies absolutely freaking amazing? 

Body love · body positivity · ditch the diet · Eating recovery · Food · Happiness · Life · Self confidence · Self-love · Words

A Revelation

Jenn Johnson27 Comments

As a woman, I am deeply influenced by the beauty standards set by our society. You know the ones? Perfect woman on magazine covers, Instagram, Facebook, on TV. Long, flawless legs, perfect skin void of any cellulite, wrinkles, scars, stretch marks. Just the right amount of cleavage and full lips. Long, gloriously thick hair cascading around their shoulders like a heavenly blanket. Then I look in the mirror and this is what I see: a woman with scars on her face from a bad breakout long ago, cellulite on my thighs, stretch marks on my stomach, small breasts, wrinkles, short, fine hair, basically I am a walking misrepresentation of all the woman I described above. So I tell myself that I am ugly, not enough, worthless, fat, gross. I begin to download calorie counting apps, making a plan to lose weight and look ‘perfect’. I think of ways that I can work out harder because obviously what I am doing isn’t working. My bulimia, that has been around for half of my life starts to rear her ugly head once again and promises me a way to control myself around all the ‘bad’ foods I eat. I go into a sort of tailspin, creating this new me in my head. How can I look more like these woman I see? 

This has been my life for far to long and I’m guessing I’m not alone. Everyday we are inundated with images of the ‘perfect’ woman. We feel ugly compared to her and so we punish ourselves with grueling workouts and extra healthy foods. We go on diet after diet in search of her. It is a devastating pattern that leaves us drained and depressed. I know because I have been there. I’m there now, actually. 

It’s time to change the meaning of health and beauty in our society starting now. Why do we have airbrushed woman in magazines? Why can’t we see the ‘real’ woman in the photos, her imperfections so to speak. These magazines are only reinforcing to us that we are not good enough because we have ‘flaws’, but are they really flaws if more woman than not have them? Are they really flaws if it is the norm? I think no!

Our bodies tell a story of pregnancy, adventures, risks taken, hard times, growth, pain, miracles. We don’t need to be hiding them away, we need to be celebrating them. As woman we need to band together and change this way of thinking that we aren’t enough.

Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes and that in and of itself is beautiful. Each one of us is unique in our own way. We can’t all be the same size or the same weight or the same height. How boring would that be anyhow? 

I believe in being healthy, finding workouts that you love, eating good foods that nourish you but I also believe in moderation because who the heck can go an entire lifetime not eating a cupcake or french fries or a crazy good cheeseburger?! Not me! 

Band with me today and lets give the middle finger to the diet industry.

Let’s rise up and stop trying to mold ourselves into someone else.

Let’s celebrate our bodies and find things we love about them.

Let’s enjoy a summer day on the beach with our families and not worry about what we look like in a bathing suit.

Because in the whole of it, does it really, truly matter? Looking back on our lives, if we are lucky enough to live to be old, will we be glad that we missed out on so much? Will we think it was worth it to spend our life worrying about what we weighed or how many calories we ate? Will we smile, thinking back about looking in the mirror at our then, younger bodies, and feeling unworthy? Nope. I think we will regret a lot. We will feel like we wasted so much precious time that we can never get back.

Today is not soon enough to begin to love yourself. Throw away your scale, delete the calorie counting apps, unfollow those workout ‘fitspo’ accounts. Doing this is a great place to start. I’m in. Are you? 

grief · Life · loss · Poetry · Self confidence · Self-love · Thoughts · Words

Most Days

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Most days I’m sitting idle at the intersection of hope and despair.

Either it is all going to work out or I will completely fail.

There seems to be no gray area.

It’s all or nothing.

Most days I’m wishing away the moments, thinking about the way things could be, the way they should be.

Regretting the past and all the mistakes I can’t erase.

It seems I journey back to the days of long ago more than I plan for the days ahead.

Most days I feel like I’m running around in circles.

The same endless day happening over and over.

Rinse, wash, repeat.

Most days I’m just trying to get through the day without getting lost in time.

I wake up in the morning and it’s as though my day has been fast-forwarded to night’s darkness in the blink of an eye.

I long to feel truly alive and in the present.

To feel this sense of purpose that everyone talks about.

To have a purpose.

But most days, I’m just existing.

Breathing my way through another twenty-four hours.

Faith · God · Happiness · Life · Religion · Words

Matthew 6:34

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One of my favorite bible verses is Matthew 6:34 which states “ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

I actually have this written down and placed on my refrigerator, a magnet holding it securely in place. A daily reminder to not let worry tug at my soul and take up space in my day.

The thing is, even though the note has been hanging on my refrigerator door and I do read it, albeit not daily as I had planned, worry still seems to float around in my mind and at times overwhelm me.

I want so badly to listen to these words of wisdom that have been graciously handed down and truly disable all worries I have about the here and now. But the question is how? How can you stop worrying about tomorrow?

Matthew sure had it right when he said that “each day has enough trouble of its own”. Don’t we all face daily struggles and challenges? Each day bringing with it something new, whether a small worry or a big one?

Then it occurred me, the most important words of this verse, to me, are “for tomorrow will worry about itself”. It is a stark reminder that tomorrow isn’t promised to any one of us so why spend precious minutes worrying about it? Tomorrow will be different from today in many ways and who knows what will unfold then. 

 I believe Matthew is telling us to live for the now. To be present and alive. To put aside the worries we have for the future and do what we can with today. To not let worry linger in the forefront of our minds and let minutes and hours of this day go by, wasted.

You see worry robs us of presence. Worry steals our joy. Worry is a thief. 

This beautiful verse serves as a reminder that God wants us to enjoy today and be fully conscious in everything we do. He doesn’t want worry to paralyze us so much so, that we hold our breaths as we wait for things to fall apart. He didn’t create us to spend our time in a constant state of stress, waiting and wondering. He created us to fully experience His earth. To see, feel, touch and smell the world around us and bathe in its beauty. 

I don’t want to worry away this time I have today with my husband and my kids, my worry taking me away from them. I don’t want to take advantage of a single moment by poisoning it with anguish. I want to take Matthew’s advice to heart and tuck worry aside, at least starting with the small worries I hold on to. I want to tuck it into the folds of my inner being where it will always be with me.  

Like the magnet that holds my handwritten note to the refrigerator door, I want these words to stay hung up in my heart, where they will stay, permanently etched.

 

 

 

Faith · God · grief · Life · Religion · Words

In the quiet

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I sat in that cold, bare room waiting for answers. I sought out comfort as I looked around but all that I saw were pale yellow walls and old magazine covers. No cheery pictures hung to lift my spirits. No pretty decorations adorned the counters. Just a burgundy colored chair, a metal sink and the doctors tattered stool. In the silence I sat and waited. 

I could feel my heart beating against my ribs as I anticipated that knock at the door. That sound that would either signal the beginning of a difficult journey or a relief of sorts.

I prayed to God that he would be present with me in this scary moment because I felt so alone and lost. I asked him to give me strength and hope. I wanted so badly for my life to stay the same so that I could go home and start living the way that He intended me to. I made promises to myself and asked him for more chances. 

My hands clasped together I looked down at the white, marred floor, my brown boots dangling just above them, and bowed my head uncertain of everything, except for the fact that He is here, unseen and unheard but felt. He is always here, especially in dark moments like this, when He is needed the most.  

In the quiet I sit, prayer my only relief.

After what seems like hours, the knock sounds and the door is quickly opened to the doctor’s smiling face and I exhale that sharp force of breathe that I’d been holding because I somehow know that I’m going to be okay….no matter what. I’m going to be okay.

friends · grief · Life · loss · love · Poetry · Relationships · Words

Longing for you

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goodbye

You are my entire weakness. 

Every time I see you I want you but I know I can never have you. 

You belong to someone else. 

If life were different, another time, another place, we would be soul mates instead of friends. 

I know you feel it too. I see it in the way you look at me, the longing, the sadness.

I hear it in your voice when you say my name.

I wish I could stop feeling this way but my heart is so dedicated to you. 

It skips a beat every time you are near me and a thousand tiny butterflies set flight. 

I desire to know a life with you. 

The taste of your mouth on mine, the feel of your skin against my own, your hand slipping through mine.

We’d spend dark nights concealed by the shadow of the moon and early mornings in the suns balmy rays.

I wish, but when did wishing for something ever make it real?

We will stay familiar as friends.

I will laugh and smile when I see you and feign that I don’t feel a thing. 

And when you leave with her, you will be taking a piece of me with you once again. 

This is the way it must be. 

In this version of time we are not destined to be. 

.

 

 

 

 

 

Beauty · Faith · God · grief · Happiness · Life · loss · love · Marriage · Parenting · Relationships · Religion · Words

Stop waiting before it’s too late.

Jenn Johnson2 Comments

7-shortcuts-regret

Waiting 

We are all waiting for something. 

To be Thinner. 

To be Happier. 

To be Richer. 

To be More Fulfilled. 

What if one day, on our death beds, our bodies nearly paralyzed from old age, we were only waiting for death to come and take us. 

Would we look back on our lives and see that we never stopped waiting?

If only we had lost the weight, we’d have worn that bathing suit. The one hidden in the back of the drawer that we always told ourselves “next year”. 

If only we’d had more money we would’ve been more fulfilled, led a happier life. We made money, but it was never enough so that we were rich (or so we thought). 

And lying there in that bed, your body nothing like it used to be, a weaker version of the once strong counterpart, would you be glad that you had waited? That you were never enough to be enough. 

The bathing suit eventually got thrown away and never enjoyed the suns warm rays or the splash of cool water. While our children and husband played on the shore and swam in the deep, we sat in a chair on the sidelines, watching, wishing, waiting.

The job we had, finally ended in retirement. We had so many years clocked at a place that took up a huge portion of our lives but we never really enjoyed one day of it. We were too busy wishing for more, never really seeing how blessed we were to have this job in the first place. After all it provided us our homes, cars, food, clothes and so much more. 

Lying there in that dark hospital room, hearing the beeping of the monitors, the steady rhythm of our heartbeat, surely we will wish we had stopped waiting to participate in our life. We will weep, saddled with regret. Things like being thin enough to wear a bathing suit or having more money will seem so small and insignificant in the end. In the sum of life, we will know how little these things truly meant, but it will be much too late to fix it. 

Right now, before it is no longer an option to live without the restrictions of old age, you have two choices:

1. Keep waiting

2. Start living today

The one you choose will determine everything.

regret

Faith · God · Happiness · Life · love · Relationships · Religion · Words

Things I have learned

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Things I have learned in my 41 years on this earth:

Life is fleeting. It seems a day goes by in minutes, a week goes by in seconds and a year goes by in hours. Really try to enjoy each day. Fully. Be present. Be alive not just living. You only get this one pass and then it’s all over.

Give more than you take. It always feels so much better to give away than to take away. So give. Give your time to those you love and cherish and those who may need it. Give your kids attention. Truly get down on their level and interact with them. Be the parent you wish you had, had. Give your heart away. Fall in love. Give your hospitality. Invite friends over and cook them a meal. Open up your house and fill it with love and friendship.

Stop worrying about your body. You really are perfect exactly as you are. At the end of your life do you really want to regret all that you missed because you were so focused on YOU. Losing weight. Losing inches. Fitting into a pair of skinny jeans. Do you want all of your memories to be of you obsessing over what you looked like and what you wanted to look like? Do you want to regret not being more alive. More present with your spouse, your kids, your friends….your life. Stop! We are more than what we look like. We are so much more.

Eat the damn cake!!! Seriously. Don’t limit any food because it is ‘bad’ for you. Enjoy everything in moderation. This goes along with enjoying life. Food is yummy so eat it!

Don’t estimate your value by a number. How much you weigh, how many inches your hips are, how many calories you’ve eaten….this will never define you. Love your body, it is your home and will carry you places and be your greatest gift. Our bodies work hard for us every single day. They are a gift, a miracle and they should be treated as such.

Marry your best friend. Marry the one who you can’t live without. The one who makes your life fuller, better. Marriage is work but if you are with the right person, it will be worth it. How amazing to grow old with someone who knew you when you were young and who still sees you in your youth ❤

Have a pet (or two, or three). They are good for your soul. A dog will be the most loyal companion you’ve ever known and will show you how simple life can be. They need nothing, except your love and attention and food/water to be happy. That’s it. They will love you fiercely no matter what . Every time you come home, they will be there, waiting for you. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is 🙂 Cats….well, they are a different story, lol.

It’s okay to have a messy house. It just means that your home is lived in and cozy.

On that note, laundry. It’s totally normal to keep your clothes in the dryer and just press ‘start’ when you want to wear something and get the wrinkles out of it. Folding clothes is so overrated, lol.

Listen to music everyday. Really listen. Find favorite songs, put your headphones on and blast it. Bonus points if you dance. Music soothes every part of us and is good for the spirit. Music is therapy.

Get outside among nature and let the sun warm you. Take in the trees, the clouds, the sky. Go for a walk, ride your bike. Being outdoors is nature’s therapy and it is completely free. The fresh air will remove cobwebs from your mind and leave you feeling refreshed and energized.

You don’t have to be a great parent to be a good one. There is no such thing as perfect. It is a guarantee…you will mess up, you will yell too much, you will regret things but what matters is that you try your best each day. Raising kids is the hardest job in the entire world and there is no instruction book on how to get it right. As long as you love your children unconditionally and want the best for them you are a good parent.

Lastly, pray a lot. There is a doorway that is open for us to talk to God and tell him our intimate thoughts. Do not close it off. When you don’t know where to turn, turn to Him. He has all the answers. Sometimes they come instantly but more often than not they come gradually, and you will need to hold on to patience and show Him some grace. But trust me, they will come.

I am sure there are many more things I could share with you but these are the most relevant to me.  These lessons I’ve learned, as I’ve lived, have proven to get me through. I hope they offer a glint of knowledge to someone else.

What life lessons have you learned? I’d love to hear in the comments.

 

 

Body love · Faith · God · Happiness · Life · Religion · Words

Lord, what is my assignment today?

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i-dont-like-being-a-mother

As I stand looking in the mirror, glaring at a face that is so familiar to me, one I’ve seen a million times, I begin to pick myself apart.

This is a common thing for me, to stand before my own reflection and sift out all my imperfections.

Then something catches my eye and I turn to the corner of the brown framed mirror that hangs over my sink.

There I glance an image that I taped up just yesterday.

A reminder printed out on a small square piece of cardstock, so that every morning I can be reminded that I have more to give the world than how I look.

That my worth is not defined in the physical.

This note simply reads “Lord, what is my assignment today?”

Everything suddenly shifts and my perspective changes.

I have placed these words right where I know I will stand each morning and grumble about my shortcomings.

I am reminded that the Lord has a plan for me and it goes far beyond what I look like.

The Lord created me and I am his beautiful daughter.

He cherishes me and doesn’t see me as having flaws but as being human.

He didn’t create me to be perfect in body or perfect in any sense.

However, He did create me to fulfill a purpose. 

To go out into the world and do good and be a light to others. 

Everyday He gives me another chance and a whole lot of forgiveness and everyday he gives me his never-ending grace. 

It is time I give myself the same.

I am already perfect exactly as I am because I am made in His image.

When I glance back to the recognizable reflection in the mirror, I know for sure that my assignment today is to love myself and to trust Him and to truly know that I am more than my appearance. 

Now I challenge you to also ask “Lord, what is my assignment today?” and then turn away from looking outward and instead look within to find the answer.