Faith · Happiness · Life · Moving · Starting over · Words

Starting Over

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There’s something quite magnificent about a snowy day. Living out in the country, the earth seems to stand still and be silent. I love to peek out a window, from the warmth of my heated home, and watch the snow come down. It’s as if I am the one in a tiny snow globe, the snow shaken alive around me.

This country living is still relatively new to me. I’ve only lived here in Michigan for almost three years now. I grew up in Southern California where snow is non-existent. Days are even warm in the winter months and the sun is never hidden like it often is here. Longing for a simpler way of life, my husband and I packed up our brood of boys (and a cat and three dogs) and drove across country to our new home. Looking back, that five-day trip will most likely forever be a favorite memory for all of us. The five of us, packed in the car like sardines, our clothes and essentials packed snuggly in a black canvas bag that was anchored to the roof of our car.

Stuck in a snowstorm in Wyoming we had to stay an extra night in our hotel due to the roads being shut down. This was probably the highlight of our trip, being ‘forced’ to stay an additional night and add more time onto our trek. In true Johnson family fashion, we went with the flow. Our extra day was spent in the indoor pool/spa, a room surrounded by glass walls that gave us a front row seat to the storm happening all around us. Coming from California it was rousing to see so much snow. My kids came alive and were filled with giggles and smiles, their little hearts beating in sheer excitement. I’ve come to learn that snow has a way of doing that to kids (and adults if I’m being honest). Those freezing white flakes are a joy to play in.

Our adventure continued the next day as we piled in our car, each of us, I’m sure wondering what the future held for our family in this unfamiliar place we were heading to.

Deciding to move and start over when you are in your late thirties with three kids is not for the faint of heart and it was not a decision we made over night. It was a dream my husband and I spoke about in hushed whispers in the dark of night, a dream we wanted to make a reality but had no idea how. We owned a home, my husband had a great job, our kids were all in school, I had friends I had known since third grade. How could we just up and leave it?

God works in mysterious ways though because one day it seemed right. It felt right to finally take the leap and start a new life in a new state, clear across the country. It felt suddenly the right moment to start over. My husband and I both got the sense that if we wanted to go, now was the time and so we did. By the grace of God, everything fell into place and He made a way for us.

We are living proof that it’s never too late to start again. If you desire something and you have the courage to take action, it can be yours.

Sitting here, as I write this, looking out at the snow-covered countryside that is my front yard, I am filled with wonder. Sometimes when I wake up in the morning and see the sun rising over a forest of trees, a new day dawning, I have to pinch myself because it feels so surreal. This place I forever desired to live, this place my husband and I dreamt about, we made it, we are here. God lead us and once again we are home.

boy mom · Happiness · Life · love · Mom life · Parenting · Poetry · Words

My Son

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I stand in the doorway, watching you sleep, feeling exhausted and spent, my heart heavy.

You look so peaceful and content, a vast contradiction to just a few hours ago when you were pouting at me, telling me how I was being so unfair.

Oh my child, to love you is so easy but to be a parent to you is often times very tough.

I can see things unfolding, visualize your future and imagine roads you will go down before you are even aware they exist.

I want to wrap you up in my arms and protect you from everything.

I want to pour words into you and have them fill you up with knowledge.

I want to save you from anything that might destroy what I know you can be, but that is not within my control. 

You will need to fall down and make mistakes and learn from them.

You came from me but you are not me.

You are your own person with your own ideas and perceptions.

I can only teach you to fly so that you can go out into the world one day and spread your wings and soar.

Oh child, as I stand here tonight, taking in the sight of you, wondering how it all went so fast and how much you’ve grown, my heart swells.

I have loved you every single day, since the day you were born and I will love you always.

So even though being your mom is sometimes tough, I hope you incessantly know and feel that loving you always came easy.

grief · Life · loss · love · Relationships

Losing You

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That day is etched in my mind and it will be forever, this I have no doubt.

I was in the shower. I remember feeling like something was off but I didn’t know what it could be. I’d felt like that since I had woken up. Was this a premonition? My son, who was 2 years old at the time, was safely napping in his room. My husband was safely at work, I had recently spoken to him, but something just felt not quite right. I brushed it off and tried to enjoy the hot water as it melted into my skin. A few minutes later the phone rang and I quickly grabbed a towel, dried off as best I could in a few seconds and dashed out of the running water to answer. My dad’s voice filled the silence and my world came crashing down around me. “Jay’s gone” he said. Confused I asked “Gone where?”. “He’s dead Jennifer” my dad cried. I was speechless for a moment then “What do you mean he’s dead. He can’t be. He just had his 39th birthday 9 days ago. It’s not possible.” Tears streamed down my face as I continued to argue with my dad about why he must be mistaken, my brother, Jay, was much too young. In our broken state we never spoke about how he had actually died. I, in my disbelief, my dad in his deep misery. “Call your mom will you?” he asked me. “Please call her and make sure she’s ok, then you need to go get her so that she’s not alone”. Our call ended and my next one, to my mom, began as It suddenly occurred to me that I had no idea how he had died.  She was distraught and in the same disbelief that I was in. “He was at work and just fell over and died but I’m sure once we get to the hospital this will all be a huge mistake. I bet he will be okay” she said.  I agreed with her because who just suddenly dies at 39? Especially someone who isn’t sick. Someone I just spoke to the day before. This had to be wrong. I proceeded to call my husband at work as I ran into the living room and fell down on my knees, crying out. My son woke and ran to me. I didn’t mean to startle him, but like a glass overflowing with too much liquid, my own body could not contain the grief.

One moment ran into the next and my mom, husband and I were finally entering the doors at the hospital, only two of us certain that my brother was still alive. Our hearts racing, we quickly found out that the hope we were holding on to, we would be forced to let go of it. Holding hands, we were all shown into a room, the darkest, coldest room I’ve ever been in. I still hate thinking about that room. My brother was there, lying on a cold, silver table with a white sheet draped casually across him. I wanted to run. I wanted to get out but instead I bravely walked closer and peered down at his face. Only it wasn’t him. Death seemed to have stolen away his very essence. It was his body, his face, his hair but not him. His soul, what made him who he was, was gone. It was the strangest feeling to be standing there, in that small, cold room, the white walls seeming to close in on me, and noticing death up close. I had no idea what it would be like, seeing lifelessness up close. I felt light-headed, dizzy, scared, sad, so many emotions colliding together all at once. I took his hand, kissed his forehead and did my best to hold it together for my mom. He was my brother and my grief was an endless deep, but she had lost a son, I couldn’t even imagine the depths of her loss. We soon found out that his cause of death was from an electrical imbalance that had caused his heart to stop beating. “It happened so fast” the Dr. told us, “He died instantly and didn’t even know what was happening” he finished, trying to comfort us. Comfort was the last thing we felt in that despairing moment.

Not a day goes by that I don’t think about my brother and wonder what he would’ve accomplished. Would he have gotten married and had kids of his own? I think about all the years he’s missed out on being an uncle, something he was so excited about. I now have three boys and know he would’ve loved being a part of their lives. We’re all missing him and the impact he would’ve had on us. We will never really know what would’ve been. His story ended sooner than it should have. I feel like there were still so many chapters left to write.

Death is hard. It rips out a piece of you that you never get back. It destroys you. Time has been my savior though. Lots of time. Years. Time takes all the little broken pieces and slowly starts to rebuild them. Yes, they are cracked and not perfect but one day they seem to kind of resemble what used to be. Some days the pain gets into the cracks and you just learn how to deal with it. Other days the cracks let air in and you can breathe and live without suffering. One thing death cannot take away from me is the 39 years I got with him and all the memories we made.

Today I sit, looking out the window, with a heavy heart. The world is big and beautiful and amazing but it will never be whole again. It will never be the same.

 

Faith · Life · love

Hope

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Faith is believing in something you cannot see

 

For years I’ve held onto beliefs and ideas of the world that I realize no longer serve me. I’m newly a Christian and percieving God in my daily view has changed things. Incorporating Him into my sight somehow brightens the dark spaces and corners that I once hid in. It’s like standing in the dark just before the dawn. God is like warm sunlight and His goodness and love warms our souls.

Believing in something greater than yourself somehow puts things in perspective. You begin to feel stirrings of hope. Hope for the world. Hope for yourself. Hope for your family. Hope in all things. I’m learning that God wants to draw us out of ourselves and into Him. He wants us to deplete ourselves in Him and come to Him completely raw. He knows us to our very bone, all the good, all the bad, and He still loves us unconditionally. His love is extraordinary because it is only given by someone so unblemished as Him.

The world is so complex and ever changing, but God is grounded, and like a comfortable routine, he forever stays the same. THAT is a kind of security I can wrap myself up in when things around me are collapsing. Life can be tough and can unravel in the blink of an eye but when we have something solid to lean on we can survive more gracefully. Our falls won’t be as hard and with God’s helping hand we will, over time, become more resilient.

Being a piece of God’s creation, and letting Him be a piece of our innermost being is the most remarkable feeling. When I began trusting and letting Him soak into the fibers of my soul my life changed. I’m far from where I want to be in my relationship with Him but I walk a little closer each day knowing that my bond with Him is unbreakable.

This world is so much more than what we can visually perceive. There’s an unspoken beauty that, only by welcoming God into our hearts, we can see. Stand in those dark spaces of your life and call out to Him. Bring your deepest sorrows and your biggest regrets and lay them down at his feet and watch the transformation as the sun comes out to shine into the inky depths of where you’re hiding. God is light in the darkness. Let his light illuminate you. He’s waiting for you to whisper His name so He can reach out and save you. You just have to believe. You just have to trust.

 

Faith · Happiness · Life · love · Marriage · Poetry · Relationships · Words

You: A letter to my husband

 

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You are the ONE. MY one and only.

You loved me whole. I was broken when you found me. You picked up my broken pieces and put me back together again.

You saved me when you took my hand in yours and together we made a life. Two hands, two hearts intermingled forever.

You are my everything. My best friend. My companion. My lover.

Even after all of these years, my body gravitates towards you.

Like a magnet my heart is drawn toward yours.

You are my center. My true north.

YOU.

I will always crave you.

I will always want you.

I will always need you.

I will always love you.

Much more than I ever expected.

Much more than I ever deserved.

Your love.

The way you look at me. They way you see me. The person I am in your eyes.

The person you are in my eyes.

I love you.

Year after year. Month after month. Day after day.

My love only grows….fuller and deeper.

It is and it will always be YOU.

The ONE who holds my heart in this lifetime and beyond.

 

Beauty · Faith · Happiness · Life · love · Poetry · Relationships · Self confidence · Self-love · Starting over · Words

The Becoming

As I watched the leaves falling to the ground, the breath of wind loosening them from their branches, I felt pieces of myself falling away as well. Things I needed to let go of. Things holding me back from reaching my full potential. In that moment as I sat and stared at the changing world and the dawn of a new season, not only was I witnessing the coming of Fall but also the becoming of ME.

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Photo by Vali S. on Pexels.com
Beauty · Faith · Happiness · Life · Poetry · Words

Stars

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When I was young I used to wish upon stars. I’d look up at that vast, inky blue above me and as soon as I spotted that first star, I would make a wish. Most parts of me really believed that it could come true. When you are young, before you have truly started to walk your path in life, you can be naive. You are still innocent, unhurt, vulnerable and you want so badly to take life in your hands and mold it into the shape you desire. Years, days, form you instead and life takes a shape of it’s own. Oftentimes, you find yourself traveling down roads you once thought of as dead ends only to find they curve and twist into longer roads that lead to different paths. As you age you realize that you cannot count on wishes to always come true and stars to grant your deepest desires. It takes more than a mere thought to shape a dream. I still love when night falls upon the earth with millions of tiny white dots poking holes through the blackness. I still search out that first bright white star and gaze into it. Only I don’t wish on it. I simply admire it’s beauty and the glow that surrounds it. As the years have added up and I have become older, I know that stars are not wish granters that hold some magic power. That power comes from within me and I am responsible for the decisions I make that lead to the roads I walk, that in the end, will shape my journey, will shape me. The stars are merely a beautiful distraction that help guide me. Small lights aglow, when my path grows dark.

Exercise · Happiness · Life · Workout · Yoga

Yoga: Good for the Soul.

Standing on the edge of my mat, eyes closed, I take a deep breathe and begin to connect with my soul.

My spirit.

My inner being.

I have been practicing long enough, that I can maintain my balance without opening my eyes. With each slow breathe I feel blanketed in peace. My mind begins to calm. Thoughts begin to fade away.

I am HERE.

In THIS moment.

Just being.

Yoga is my heart. Every morning I rise and roll out my mat to practice this ancient form of exercise. Moving through the poses, I stay grounded and connected to the present moment. My mat is my sanctuary where nothing of the world can get to me. A place to let thoughts go. For that small amount in time, it’s just me and my mat.

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Before I found yoga, I struggled to like like/accept myself. I always wanted to be something better (thinner). Numbers consumed me ~ I counted calories & macros, weighed myself every day, wrote down my measurements. I focused solely on these numbers and depending on what they were, it could either make or break my day. I focused on hard core workouts that burned tons of calories but that left me feeling, bleh!

I researched a lot on yoga because I felt like it was not ‘enough’ exercise for me. I was used to doing more HIIT training and yoga felt really slow. I read through articles and sought out yoga teachers to gain some knowledge. What I learned was that yoga was enough! Not only is it stretching your entire body but it also involves a ton of core work and body strength and depending on the type of yoga you do, you can still burn calories and get a great workout.

There are so many different types, that depending on how you feel that day, you have endless options. Some of the more popular styles include Hatha, Vinyasa, Ashtanga, Bikram, Hot Yoga, Yin Yoga and Restorative.

Check out this article from The Daily Burn that explains what each type of yoga is:

http://www.dailyburn.com/life/fitness/yoga-for-beginners/kundalini-yin-bikram/

 

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There is a form of yoga for everyone! You just need an open space, a mat (or even just your floor) and yourself. You don’t need to be super flexible or be able to master Crow pose or headstand right away. Like all things it takes practice. Each day you step onto your mat is a chance to grow. Both physically and spiritually.

If you already do yoga I’d love to hear what your favorite type is as well as what your favorite/most challenging poses are. Thanks!

 

Beauty · DIY mani · Gel nails · Jamberry Nails · Manicure · Nails · Pedicure

Join the nail revolution

If you’re anything like me, when it comes to all things beauty you love to save a buck or two while not compromising quality. I have used almost everything out there when it comes to hair, make-up and nails. Having my cosmetology degree, I get to visit ‘special stores’ and get half-off name brand products. It really is awesome! I have my favorite brands of shampoo and styling products. My make-up routine is pretty much down, but when it came to my nails, nothing ever lasted. I used to frequent nail salons for acrylics or gels but hated the damage they left behind. Plus I was having to go in every 2-3 weeks and that wasn’t very cheap. 

Today I can confidently say that I have found the perfect solution to having pretty, long lasting nails that are completely inexpensive ~ Jamberry. In fact, I was so impressed with this product that I decided to sign up as a consultant. I have the best of both worlds, beautiful nails that afford for me to be a stay at home mom!!!! 

So what the heck is Jamberry? Glad you asked. We are most well known for our nail wraps, which are non-toxic and made from a high quality vinyl that adheres to your natural or artificial nails for a water tight seal. They never chip, smudge or budge. And there is no dry time. (my favorite part). Here is a graphic that explains it:

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Here are some examples of what our nail wraps look like on hands:

Our nail wraps come on a sheet that offers different sizes so you can be sure to get the perfect fit. Each sheet will give you 2 manicures and 2 pedicures, PLUS you’ll have some accent nails left over.

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All this for the cost of a cup of coffee at Starbucks or Dunkin’ Donuts! Each sheet is $ 15.00 or $ 3.75 per application. We also offer a pretty awesome deal ~  Buy 3 sheets, get 1 sheet free. That lowers the cost of each application and you have enough sheets to last you for 8 months worth of manis and pedis. 

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Each manicure will last you for up to 2 weeks and each pedicure will last for up to 5-6 weeks, with absolutely no upkeep. Amazing, right?!!! I think so!

They are super easy to apply too! You can do them right at home, in as little as 20-30 minutes. You can start off using a blow dryer, although we do have a mini heater that I highly recommend. It distributes heat evenly and it is really quiet.

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Besides that you just need alcohol wipes or polish remover, an orange stick, a cuticle pusher and manicure scissors. That’s it!

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We also offer gels and lacquers, nail and foot care products and our newest product, Colour Cure! Color Cure is a gel/lacquer hybrid. It goes on like a polish, has the staying power of a gel, then removes like a polish (with a bit of polish remover and a cotton pad) in as little as 3-5 minutes. It’s the first of it’s kind and it’s pretty much the bomb diggity. (If I do say so myself).

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If you are interested in trying out Jamberry, I would love to send you a sample. Email me at jenndjohnson13@gmail.com

You can also check out my website at http://www.jamwithjenn.com.

(Your order will ship out right away and be mailed directly to you)

If you have any questions, you can find me on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/groups/712013395548588.

No dry time. No expensive salon visits. Non toxic nails. Pinterest worthy designs. Weeks of wear with no upkeep. Nails that fit your unique style. 

Give Jamberry a try today.