Change · grief · Life · loss · Parenting · Relationships · Self confidence · Self-love · Thoughts · Toxic Parenting · Words

It’s Time…

I wake to the sound of music blaring. My alarm clock telling me the day has started. I steal a quick glance at the red blare that is the time and hit the snooze button. I lie back down, my head sinking once again in the soft, grey pillow. It’s still dark outside and I want to go back to sleep more than anything, but I have things to do. I have no other option but to wake up. My eyes feel groggy and my mind feels heavy. I didn’t sleep well last night. My mind kept racing over events of the day and it kept me from finding any peace in the quietness of the night. Now I am at once, thinking over things again, not even 2 minutes after I awake.

Life sometimes feels so heavy and burdensome. I feel like I’m given way more than I can handle and not the proper tools to handle them with. There is this life I want, the one I am trying to build and then there is the life I have, my past, that I can’t seem to shake. I think maybe because I keep revisiting what already happened and I keep trying to fix it, make it different now, in the future. Why can’t I realize that I can’t change things, it’s not within my power. I’m tired of feeling a lack of worth. I’m tired of having this hole inside of me that I keep trying to fill. I’m tired of punishing myself with what I did, what I should’ve done and a thousand regrets.

Often I look at my age and wonder how I got to be this old already and things are still going on like this. I want to make you love me like I needed all these years. I want to help you see how you wronged me and I want you to apologize. I want to be able to have a relationship with you that is healthy and good. I reach out to you, I try to talk to you, I let you back in again and again and again but still you are unchanged. I love you because you raised me and there are some good parts of you I remember but I can’t keep subjecting myself to you. Every time we try, the pieces of me I have built, all the hard work I have done, start crumbling down. These years we have been apart I have become someone else, a person that is stronger, more confident, less angry. I have discovered things about myself I never knew before. I have bloomed and grown into a life I love. I have no room for toxic people, negativity, manipulation, guilt, and lies. You can choose to not see the truth and create your own reality but I want no part of it. I know what happened, I know the truth. For most of my life, I have been dragging you along, hoping to change you, now I see how much of a burden that has been and how impossible a feat. I am tired and my life is not being lived the way it should. You are older. You may not have a lot of years left on this earth and I hate to think of years going by, with us not speaking, and one day getting the call that you have passed. I wish more than anything, we could have a relationship. I will miss you like I have been. I will grieve for the mother I never had but always wanted. This is the last time I will try. This is the last time I will say goodbye. I will always love you but, from afar and quietly.

Blaring music once again fills the room and I quickly shut it off. I can do this. I need to do this. It is time once again to let you go. This time for good. So I rise up, out of bed, and begin to take back my life. Little by little. Piece by piece. 

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