Change · grief · Life · loss · Parenting · Relationships · Self confidence · Self-love · Thoughts · Toxic Parenting · Words

It’s Time…

I wake to the sound of music blaring. My alarm clock telling me the day has started. I steal a quick glance at the red blare that is the time and hit the snooze button. I lie back down, my head sinking once again in the soft, grey pillow. It’s still dark outside and I want to go back to sleep more than anything, but I have things to do. I have no other option but to wake up. My eyes feel groggy and my mind feels heavy. I didn’t sleep well last night. My mind kept racing over events of the day and it kept me from finding any peace in the quietness of the night. Now I am at once, thinking over things again, not even 2 minutes after I awake.

Life sometimes feels so heavy and burdensome. I feel like I’m given way more than I can handle and not the proper tools to handle them with. There is this life I want, the one I am trying to build and then there is the life I have, my past, that I can’t seem to shake. I think maybe because I keep revisiting what already happened and I keep trying to fix it, make it different now, in the future. Why can’t I realize that I can’t change things, it’s not within my power. I’m tired of feeling a lack of worth. I’m tired of having this hole inside of me that I keep trying to fill. I’m tired of punishing myself with what I did, what I should’ve done and a thousand regrets.

Often I look at my age and wonder how I got to be this old already and things are still going on like this. I want to make you love me like I needed all these years. I want to help you see how you wronged me and I want you to apologize. I want to be able to have a relationship with you that is healthy and good. I reach out to you, I try to talk to you, I let you back in again and again and again but still you are unchanged. I love you because you raised me and there are some good parts of you I remember but I can’t keep subjecting myself to you. Every time we try, the pieces of me I have built, all the hard work I have done, start crumbling down. These years we have been apart I have become someone else, a person that is stronger, more confident, less angry. I have discovered things about myself I never knew before. I have bloomed and grown into a life I love. I have no room for toxic people, negativity, manipulation, guilt, and lies. You can choose to not see the truth and create your own reality but I want no part of it. I know what happened, I know the truth. For most of my life, I have been dragging you along, hoping to change you, now I see how much of a burden that has been and how impossible a feat. I am tired and my life is not being lived the way it should. You are older. You may not have a lot of years left on this earth and I hate to think of years going by, with us not speaking, and one day getting the call that you have passed. I wish more than anything, we could have a relationship. I will miss you like I have been. I will grieve for the mother I never had but always wanted. This is the last time I will try. This is the last time I will say goodbye. I will always love you but, from afar and quietly.

Blaring music once again fills the room and I quickly shut it off. I can do this. I need to do this. It is time once again to let you go. This time for good. So I rise up, out of bed, and begin to take back my life. Little by little. Piece by piece. 

Change · Happiness · Life · Moving · Poetry · Relationships · Self-love · Starting over · Toxic Parenting · Words

Taste of Freedom

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I walked away from my old life and became someone that you wouldn’t even recognize anymore, yet you still continue to pursue me with your old tricks. 

It took me years to build up the courage to find some distance from you but even with the distance, there was no escape. 

You had, overtime, put me in my very own prison where you were the warden. 

You controlled me and intertwined your life with mine so that there was no way to tell where I began and you ended.

It was hard to find my way out but when you are drowning you will fervently search for that small pocket of air and I found it. 

I love you but I cannot have you near me.

I set myself free from the cage you put me in and I will never go back. 

Freedom tastes so good and in it I have found a deep sense of peace. 

I love you but I will have to love you quietly and from afar. 

You will never understand how much you hurt me or how much I tried to stay. 

You only see wrongdoing in me. 

I can live with that because I know the truth. 

I walked away from my old life and walked right into a new life, fuller and richer than I could’ve ever imagined, and I am staying here.

Do not look for me or worry about me. 

I am, for once, fully alive and fully okay.

Change · Happiness · Life · Poetry · Starting over · Thoughts · Words

Fall

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And just like that, you will one day peer out your window and notice the leaves are changing from that enviable emerald green hue to a crisp, golden orange, wildly dancing around in the breeze, looking as if they’ve caught fire. You will watch as, day by day, they shed their leaves and become bare, like tall sticks ascending from the ground, leaving behind their summer beauty.  It is a wonderful reminder that we too are able to shed that which no longer serves us and begin again. 

Change · Christian · Faith · God · Happiness · Life · Religion · Self confidence · Self-love · Thoughts · Words

Everyday.

Give yourself room to grow today.  

Listen for that voice, the slight whisper, that you often ignore. It’s your intuition, your spirit, guiding you. 

Watch for signs that light the way and confirm you are heading in the right direction. Some coincidences are hints that you are on the right path, ready for a breakthrough. Pay attention to them.

Be brave enough to make mistakes by trying, yet be humble enough to admit when you are wrong. 

Count your blessings and name them if you need reminding. Oftentimes we get so busy searching for ‘things’ we forget what we already have. 

Be okay in the not knowing and hold tight to patience. God is working things out for you. It just may not be in the time you expected.

Don’t go looking for happiness in possessions or other people. Authentic happiness can only be found inside of you. It’s always there and it’s always free. Searching for it elsewhere will only lead to discontentment.

Put your phone down for a while and look up and around. Take in the sky, the clouds, the birds, the treetops. Take in life, you will never find peace if you are always connected. 

Take a moment to kneel. Thank God that you woke up today. That you still have chances and opportunities. That you have another day to be because tomorrow could arrive but there is no promise that you will see it.

Live with reckless abandon. 

Pursue life.

It will all go by too fast and you only get this one shot.

Christian · Faith · God · Happiness · Life · Religion · Thoughts · Words

The Alarm Clock

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I used to wake up every morning to the alarm on my iPhone and glimpse through my alerts, which then instantly took me to Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest. Sitting in my warm, just slept in bed, before my feet had even hit the floor, there I was scrolling online, immeshed in other people’s lives and already comparing my own. One friend woke early to fix all four of her children a made from scratch pancake breakfast complete with homemade orange juice. Another friend was celebrating an anniversary and spoke about how amazing her husband was above a picture of the two dozen roses he had given her along with a beautiful, gold heart necklace, it’s diamonds glistening back at me. Feeling less than, before my day had even began, I would crawl out of bed, by now feeling defeated. Should I have gotten up earlier and slaved away in the kitchen making homemade pancakes and orange juice too? Was she a better mom than I was? My husband had never gotten me two dozen roses before. Was my marriage even solid? These are the thoughts that played through my mind while I sauntered downstairs to pour myself some coffee and pour a bowl of cereal for my own hungry child.

Galatians 6:4-5 tells us “Each of you must examine your own actions. Then you can be proud of your own accomplishments without comparing yourself to others.” Spoken truth right there. Afterall, God made us each different from one another, so how can we compare ourselves to anyone else. We have our own set of blessings, talents, gifts and circumstances. When we stop seeing the things we have been given in our own lives and look instead with envy to what others have, we impair our spirit and our soul. We are not being who God made us to be.

I decided to part ways with my phone (not completely of course) and dragged out my husbands old alarm clock from the 1990’s. I plugged it in, placed it on my nightstand and watched as my kids stared in awe at this dinosaur from long ago. (they asked me if it was from the 1970’s). I set the dial to a christian radio station so that the first thing I heard upon waking was joyful music. I wanted to free myself from the pull of my phone first thing in the morning, where comparison lurked. I wanted to wake up to a new day full of hope and a lot less despair. I wanted to take a breath and be present before I dove into the online world of perfection and comparison. I wanted to stop feeling robbed and instead feel poured into. That old alarm clock did the trick, innocently singing out to me that it was time to wake up and start my day. Nothing else.

As I’ve been waking up without my phone, I’ve found that I also have been using it less throughout the day. Where I would constantly be checking it from morning until night, I now guilelessly seek it out only a few times a day. In doing so I have, in a sense, seperated myself from one world and immersed myself in another. One that is more real and even a little messy at times. I feel so much nearer to God than I ever have.

I start my day with an old alarm clock, a cup of coffee and His word. No distractions, no outside noise, only stillness. He reminds me each morning that I am enough. I don’t need to look for validation online. I don’t need to cook homemade pancakes or be given two dozen roses to know that I am loved. The stolen kisses from my husband and how he gets the coffee ready for me to brew each morning, the big bear hugs from my kids and the excitement on their faces when they see me as they step off the bus and everything else in between is enough. (Even bowls of cereal). I am enough. My life is immeasurably enough.

You are enough to friend.

You are enough every single day.

You are enough even when the world says you aren’t.

God says you are enough and His is the only opinion that genuinely matters.

When you choose to walk away from distractions and put your phone down, you see what matters, you see what is real.

When you stop envying what others have and wishing that it was yours, you find contentment and peace.

When you stop wasting your time eyeing other people’s lives, you start finding the beauty in your own.

Know deep within you’re being that you are absolutely, unequivocally enough.

Keep in mind the words above from Galatians, write them down and place them somewhere you will see them each time comparison sneaks up on you and tries to steal your joy.  Remind yourself of who you are and how unique you were made to be, and if it helps, do like I did,

get an alarm clock.

 

 

Christian · Faith · God · Life · Prayer · Religion · Thoughts · Words

Press Pause

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I have started to press pause in the early morning hours. 

I wake up to see my two older boys off to school, then while my little one sleeps and the house is immaculately quiet, I press pause on my day and I meet with God. 

While sipping my mug of caramel colored coffee these are the defining moments that lay the foundation for my day. 

When we start off preceding any other obligations we have, with God, we free up space within our soul to be able to do more. 

By giving our worries, concerns, frustrations and anxieties to Him we make room for what is important. 

By letting go of what is holding us down, we rise.

Pressing pause gives me a moment to breathe, to step away from the pressures of everyday life.

Pressing pause lets me reflect on who I am and who God made me to be. 

In pressing pause I become more. 

It’s refreshing to spend these silent moments alone with Him, just being. 

No masks, no pretending, no falsehoods….it’s just me being raw and real. 

In the early morning hours, before the budding of a new day begins, I meet with God.

I press pause before I press play. 

I give myself over to God wholeheartedly and for the rest of my day, I can feel Him, right by my side, carrying me through.

Press pause. 

Give yourself a moment.

Watch how everything changes.

 

boy mom · Children · Life · Mom life · Motherhood · Parenting · School · Thoughts · Words

First Day of School

I walk you into your classroom and we find your desk. 

You are nervous but also excited on this first day of school.

I prayed this morning that you would be okay as the bell rang and it was time for me to go. 

I prayed that you would have a good time with your new teacher and your friends.

I asked God to watch over you and be there while I couldn’t. 

Watching you sitting there, I can’t help but feel a tug on my heart. 

Having you all to myself this summer, I was spoiled and my days will surely feel an absence without you in them as much, 

but part of being a parent is letting go and letting grow. 

I kiss you and give you a super big hug and we say goodbye for now. 

I tell you that I can’t wait to see you later and hear all about your day and you give me that crooked smile. 

I will sure miss you like crazy today but I hope you miss me less. 

I hope you feel secure and happy.

I hope that you are so busy learning and coloring and playing that you sink into your day until it is time to go and you wonder how the day is already over. 

Then you come home with immense joy and stories to tell and I can see it…

You are already excited to go back tomorrow.