friends · grief · Life · loss · love · Poetry · Relationships · Words

Longing for you

goodbye

You are my entire weakness. 

Every time I see you I want you but I know I can never have you. 

You belong to someone else. 

If life were different, another time, another place, we would be soul mates instead of friends. 

I know you feel it too. I see it in the way you look at me, the longing, the sadness.

I hear it in your voice when you say my name.

I wish I could stop feeling this way but my heart is so dedicated to you. 

It skips a beat every time you are near me and a thousand tiny butterflies set flight. 

I desire to know a life with you. 

The taste of your mouth on mine, the feel of your skin against my own, your hand slipping through mine.

We’d spend dark nights concealed by the shadow of the moon and early mornings in the suns balmy rays.

I wish, but when did wishing for something ever make it real?

We will stay familiar as friends.

I will laugh and smile when I see you and feign that I don’t feel a thing. 

And when you leave with her, you will be taking a piece of me with you once again. 

This is the way it must be. 

In this version of time we are not destined to be. 

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Beauty · Faith · God · grief · Happiness · Life · loss · love · Marriage · Parenting · Relationships · Religion · Words

Stop waiting before it’s too late.

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Waiting 

We are all waiting for something. 

To be Thinner. 

To be Happier. 

To be Richer. 

To be More Fulfilled. 

What if one day, on our death beds, our bodies nearly paralyzed from old age, we were only waiting for death to come and take us. 

Would we look back on our lives and see that we never stopped waiting?

If only we had lost the weight, we’d have worn that bathing suit. The one hidden in the back of the drawer that we always told ourselves “next year”. 

If only we’d had more money we would’ve been more fulfilled, led a happier life. We made money, but it was never enough so that we were rich (or so we thought). 

And lying there in that bed, your body nothing like it used to be, a weaker version of the once strong counterpart, would you be glad that you had waited? That you were never enough to be enough. 

The bathing suit eventually got thrown away and never enjoyed the suns warm rays or the splash of cool water. While our children and husband played on the shore and swam in the deep, we sat in a chair on the sidelines, watching, wishing, waiting.

The job we had, finally ended in retirement. We had so many years clocked at a place that took up a huge portion of our lives but we never really enjoyed one day of it. We were too busy wishing for more, never really seeing how blessed we were to have this job in the first place. After all it provided us our homes, cars, food, clothes and so much more. 

Lying there in that dark hospital room, hearing the beeping of the monitors, the steady rhythm of our heartbeat, surely we will wish we had stopped waiting to participate in our life. We will weep, saddled with regret. Things like being thin enough to wear a bathing suit or having more money will seem so small and insignificant in the end. In the sum of life, we will know how little these things truly meant, but it will be much too late to fix it. 

Right now, before it is no longer an option to live without the restrictions of old age, you have two choices:

1. Keep waiting

2. Start living today

The one you choose will determine everything.

regret

Faith · God · Happiness · Life · love · Relationships · Religion · Words

Things I have learned

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Things I have learned in my 41 years on this earth:

Life is fleeting. It seems a day goes by in minutes, a week goes by in seconds and a year goes by in hours. Really try to enjoy each day. Fully. Be present. Be alive not just living. You only get this one pass and then it’s all over.

Give more than you take. It always feels so much better to give away than to take away. So give. Give your time to those you love and cherish and those who may need it. Give your kids attention. Truly get down on their level and interact with them. Be the parent you wish you had, had. Give your heart away. Fall in love. Give your hospitality. Invite friends over and cook them a meal. Open up your house and fill it with love and friendship.

Stop worrying about your body. You really are perfect exactly as you are. At the end of your life do you really want to regret all that you missed because you were so focused on YOU. Losing weight. Losing inches. Fitting into a pair of skinny jeans. Do you want all of your memories to be of you obsessing over what you looked like and what you wanted to look like? Do you want to regret not being more alive. More present with your spouse, your kids, your friends….your life. Stop! We are more than what we look like. We are so much more.

Eat the damn cake!!! Seriously. Don’t limit any food because it is ‘bad’ for you. Enjoy everything in moderation. This goes along with enjoying life. Food is yummy so eat it!

Don’t estimate your value by a number. How much you weigh, how many inches your hips are, how many calories you’ve eaten….this will never define you. Love your body, it is your home and will carry you places and be your greatest gift. Our bodies work hard for us every single day. They are a gift, a miracle and they should be treated as such.

Marry your best friend. Marry the one who you can’t live without. The one who makes your life fuller, better. Marriage is work but if you are with the right person, it will be worth it. How amazing to grow old with someone who knew you when you were young and who still sees you in your youth ❤

Have a pet (or two, or three). They are good for your soul. A dog will be the most loyal companion you’ve ever known and will show you how simple life can be. They need nothing, except your love and attention and food/water to be happy. That’s it. They will love you fiercely no matter what . Every time you come home, they will be there, waiting for you. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is 🙂 Cats….well, they are a different story, lol.

It’s okay to have a messy house. It just means that your home is lived in and cozy.

On that note, laundry. It’s totally normal to keep your clothes in the dryer and just press ‘start’ when you want to wear something and get the wrinkles out of it. Folding clothes is so overrated, lol.

Listen to music everyday. Really listen. Find favorite songs, put your headphones on and blast it. Bonus points if you dance. Music soothes every part of us and is good for the spirit. Music is therapy.

Get outside among nature and let the sun warm you. Take in the trees, the clouds, the sky. Go for a walk, ride your bike. Being outdoors is nature’s therapy and it is completely free. The fresh air will remove cobwebs from your mind and leave you feeling refreshed and energized.

You don’t have to be a great parent to be a good one. There is no such thing as perfect. It is a guarantee…you will mess up, you will yell too much, you will regret things but what matters is that you try your best each day. Raising kids is the hardest job in the entire world and there is no instruction book on how to get it right. As long as you love your children unconditionally and want the best for them you are a good parent.

Lastly, pray a lot. There is a doorway that is open for us to talk to God and tell him our intimate thoughts. Do not close it off. When you don’t know where to turn, turn to Him. He has all the answers. Sometimes they come instantly but more often than not they come gradually, and you will need to hold on to patience and show Him some grace. But trust me, they will come.

I am sure there are many more things I could share with you but these are the most relevant to me.  These lessons I’ve learned, as I’ve lived, have proven to get me through. I hope they offer a glint of knowledge to someone else.

What life lessons have you learned? I’d love to hear in the comments.

 

 

boy mom · Happiness · Life · love · Mom life · Parenting · Poetry · Words

My Son

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I stand in the doorway, watching you sleep, feeling exhausted and spent, my heart heavy.

You look so peaceful and content, a vast contradiction to just a few hours ago when you were pouting at me, telling me how I was being so unfair.

Oh my child, to love you is so easy but to be a parent to you is often times very tough.

I can see things unfolding, visualize your future and imagine roads you will go down before you are even aware they exist.

I want to wrap you up in my arms and protect you from everything.

I want to pour words into you and have them fill you up with knowledge.

I want to save you from anything that might destroy what I know you can be, but that is not within my control. 

You will need to fall down and make mistakes and learn from them.

You came from me but you are not me.

You are your own person with your own ideas and perceptions.

I can only teach you to fly so that you can go out into the world one day and spread your wings and soar.

Oh child, as I stand here tonight, taking in the sight of you, wondering how it all went so fast and how much you’ve grown, my heart swells.

I have loved you every single day, since the day you were born and I will love you always.

So even though being your mom is sometimes tough, I hope you incessantly know and feel that loving you always came easy.

grief · Life · loss · love · Relationships

Losing You

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That day is etched in my mind and it will be forever, this I have no doubt.

I was in the shower. I remember feeling like something was off but I didn’t know what it could be. I’d felt like that since I had woken up. Was this a premonition? My son, who was 2 years old at the time, was safely napping in his room. My husband was safely at work, I had recently spoken to him, but something just felt not quite right. I brushed it off and tried to enjoy the hot water as it melted into my skin. A few minutes later the phone rang and I quickly grabbed a towel, dried off as best I could in a few seconds and dashed out of the running water to answer. My dad’s voice filled the silence and my world came crashing down around me. “Jay’s gone” he said. Confused I asked “Gone where?”. “He’s dead Jennifer” my dad cried. I was speechless for a moment then “What do you mean he’s dead. He can’t be. He just had his 39th birthday 9 days ago. It’s not possible.” Tears streamed down my face as I continued to argue with my dad about why he must be mistaken, my brother, Jay, was much too young. In our broken state we never spoke about how he had actually died. I, in my disbelief, my dad in his deep misery. “Call your mom will you?” he asked me. “Please call her and make sure she’s ok, then you need to go get her so that she’s not alone”. Our call ended and my next one, to my mom, began as It suddenly occurred to me that I had no idea how he had died.  She was distraught and in the same disbelief that I was in. “He was at work and just fell over and died but I’m sure once we get to the hospital this will all be a huge mistake. I bet he will be okay” she said.  I agreed with her because who just suddenly dies at 39? Especially someone who isn’t sick. Someone I just spoke to the day before. This had to be wrong. I proceeded to call my husband at work as I ran into the living room and fell down on my knees, crying out. My son woke and ran to me. I didn’t mean to startle him, but like a glass overflowing with too much liquid, my own body could not contain the grief.

One moment ran into the next and my mom, husband and I were finally entering the doors at the hospital, only two of us certain that my brother was still alive. Our hearts racing, we quickly found out that the hope we were holding on to, we would be forced to let go of it. Holding hands, we were all shown into a room, the darkest, coldest room I’ve ever been in. I still hate thinking about that room. My brother was there, lying on a cold, silver table with a white sheet draped casually across him. I wanted to run. I wanted to get out but instead I bravely walked closer and peered down at his face. Only it wasn’t him. Death seemed to have stolen away his very essence. It was his body, his face, his hair but not him. His soul, what made him who he was, was gone. It was the strangest feeling to be standing there, in that small, cold room, the white walls seeming to close in on me, and noticing death up close. I had no idea what it would be like, seeing lifelessness up close. I felt light-headed, dizzy, scared, sad, so many emotions colliding together all at once. I took his hand, kissed his forehead and did my best to hold it together for my mom. He was my brother and my grief was an endless deep, but she had lost a son, I couldn’t even imagine the depths of her loss. We soon found out that his cause of death was from an electrical imbalance that had caused his heart to stop beating. “It happened so fast” the Dr. told us, “He died instantly and didn’t even know what was happening” he finished, trying to comfort us. Comfort was the last thing we felt in that despairing moment.

Not a day goes by that I don’t think about my brother and wonder what he would’ve accomplished. Would he have gotten married and had kids of his own? I think about all the years he’s missed out on being an uncle, something he was so excited about. I now have three boys and know he would’ve loved being a part of their lives. We’re all missing him and the impact he would’ve had on us. We will never really know what would’ve been. His story ended sooner than it should have. I feel like there were still so many chapters left to write.

Death is hard. It rips out a piece of you that you never get back. It destroys you. Time has been my savior though. Lots of time. Years. Time takes all the little broken pieces and slowly starts to rebuild them. Yes, they are cracked and not perfect but one day they seem to kind of resemble what used to be. Some days the pain gets into the cracks and you just learn how to deal with it. Other days the cracks let air in and you can breathe and live without suffering. One thing death cannot take away from me is the 39 years I got with him and all the memories we made.

Today I sit, looking out the window, with a heavy heart. The world is big and beautiful and amazing but it will never be whole again. It will never be the same.

 

Faith · Life · love

Hope

Woman praying and free bird enjoying nature on sunset background, hope concept
Faith is believing in something you cannot see

 

For years I’ve held onto beliefs and ideas of the world that I realize no longer serve me. I’m newly a Christian and percieving God in my daily view has changed things. Incorporating Him into my sight somehow brightens the dark spaces and corners that I once hid in. It’s like standing in the dark just before the dawn. God is like warm sunlight and His goodness and love warms our souls.

Believing in something greater than yourself somehow puts things in perspective. You begin to feel stirrings of hope. Hope for the world. Hope for yourself. Hope for your family. Hope in all things. I’m learning that God wants to draw us out of ourselves and into Him. He wants us to deplete ourselves in Him and come to Him completely raw. He knows us to our very bone, all the good, all the bad, and He still loves us unconditionally. His love is extraordinary because it is only given by someone so unblemished as Him.

The world is so complex and ever changing, but God is grounded, and like a comfortable routine, he forever stays the same. THAT is a kind of security I can wrap myself up in when things around me are collapsing. Life can be tough and can unravel in the blink of an eye but when we have something solid to lean on we can survive more gracefully. Our falls won’t be as hard and with God’s helping hand we will, over time, become more resilient.

Being a piece of God’s creation, and letting Him be a piece of our innermost being is the most remarkable feeling. When I began trusting and letting Him soak into the fibers of my soul my life changed. I’m far from where I want to be in my relationship with Him but I walk a little closer each day knowing that my bond with Him is unbreakable.

This world is so much more than what we can visually perceive. There’s an unspoken beauty that, only by welcoming God into our hearts, we can see. Stand in those dark spaces of your life and call out to Him. Bring your deepest sorrows and your biggest regrets and lay them down at his feet and watch the transformation as the sun comes out to shine into the inky depths of where you’re hiding. God is light in the darkness. Let his light illuminate you. He’s waiting for you to whisper His name so He can reach out and save you. You just have to believe. You just have to trust.

 

Faith · Happiness · Life · love · Marriage · Poetry · Relationships · Words

You: A letter to my husband

 

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Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

You are the ONE. MY one and only.

You loved me whole. I was broken when you found me. You picked up my broken pieces and put me back together again.

You saved me when you took my hand in yours and together we made a life. Two hands, two hearts intermingled forever.

You are my everything. My best friend. My companion. My lover.

Even after all of these years, my body gravitates towards you.

Like a magnet my heart is drawn toward yours.

You are my center. My true north.

YOU.

I will always crave you.

I will always want you.

I will always need you.

I will always love you.

Much more than I ever expected.

Much more than I ever deserved.

Your love.

The way you look at me. They way you see me. The person I am in your eyes.

The person you are in my eyes.

I love you.

Year after year. Month after month. Day after day.

My love only grows….fuller and deeper.

It is and it will always be YOU.

The ONE who holds my heart in this lifetime and beyond.

 

Beauty · Faith · Happiness · Life · love · Poetry · Relationships · Self confidence · Self-love · Starting over · Words

The Becoming

As I watched the leaves falling to the ground, the breath of wind loosening them from their branches, I felt pieces of myself falling away as well. Things I needed to let go of. Things holding me back from reaching my full potential. In that moment as I sat and stared at the changing world and the dawn of a new season, not only was I witnessing the coming of Fall but also the becoming of ME.

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Photo by Vali S. on Pexels.com
grief · Happiness · Life · loss · love · Poetry · Relationships · Starting over · Words

Letting go of what was supposed to be

He watches her from behind the noisy bar. He sits in the corner, a hidden figure among the crowded room and neon lights. She has no idea that his eyes are glaring at her. She has no idea that she’s being watched. He wonders “What would she do if she saw him? How would she respond to his presence?” A chill runs down his spine just thinking about it, a bit of nervousness. He could just get up and walk away, he isn’t trapped in this corner after all; but something keeps him glued there. No, not something, someone. Her. She could always captivate him and hold him hostage. Tonight is no different.

Watching her he remembers. The way her lips tasted. The smell of her skin. The feel of her hand in his. Her smile. Her voice, usually soft and sweet. Her anger – that he remembers the most clearly. Her tears. His pleas. Yelling. Two hearts breaking.

She laughs at something and it reminds him of a time not long ago, when her laughter was aimed at something he had said. He studies her. She’s now in awe of something HE is saying, the strange man that sits beside her at the bar, the man who has taken his place. He watches them.

She is stunningly beautiful in that naive sort of way. She could always look in the mirror and never see, who he saw. She had picked apart her flaws with a vengeance and as often as he had told her that she was perfect, she never seemed to believe him. Does this new man tell her she is perfect and beautiful too? Does she believe him?

He messed up. A few drinks at a lousy office party and in those few damn hours, he had ruined his life and his future, which used to be so defined. He had lost her over one too many downed glasses of that poisonous alcohol and a warm body that wasn’t hers. What was the matter with him? How could he have been so stupid?

Forgiveness is a tricky thing and even if you come clean and bleed your heart out, there’s  no guarantee that you will be forgiven. He was not. She was hurt and trust had been broken. It was over.

He is still in love with her. Will there ever come a time when he is not?

She is so familiar to him. He knows her heartbeat, it used to beat in sync with his own. He watches her. Someone that he can no longer have. A single tear streams down his face and he feels a deep, deep sorrow close to despair.

He rises from his corner, deciding that it’s time to leave, time to try to move on without her. With one last glance, he looks at her, his past. He turns his back and ,one foot in front of the other, he walks slowly into a new beginning, unaware that she is watching him as he leaves.

boy mom · Happiness · Life · love · Mom life · Parenting · Poetry · Pregnancy · Relationships · Words

I loved you long before I met you

Long before I met you, I already loved you.

When you were just a thought in my mind, that turned into a growing baby in my belly, I already loved you.

When I heard your heartbeat for the first time.

When I felt you kick and move and stretch.

When you had the hiccups and it felt like I had the hiccups too….I already loved you.

When it was time for you to be born and I gazed upon you for the first time and heard your first cry.

When I held you in my arms and wondered how on earth I ever lived with out you. I felt a love I had never known before. I thought I loved you when you were just a thought but now that you were here, I loved you more.

While feeding you in the early hours before dawn, the house quiet and dark, looking down on your sweet face, I loved you even more.

When you slept at night, all cuddled up in your pajamas with your thumb in your mouth, I loved you even more.

When you said your first words, took your first steps, celebrated your very first birthday. My love for you was HUGE.

Yes, my love for you knows no bounds. For as each year turned into the next, my love grew and grew.

Your first day of school.

Your first time on a bike.

Your first friend.

Your first heartache.

Who knew how deeply a mother’s love would be? How strong it would become day after day, year after year.

Now you are grown, but would you believe that when I look at you I still see my little boy. The memories we have made will forever be a part of me. You have taught me to love in a way that I never knew possible. And no matter how far you may roam, you will always be in my heart.

Because long before I met you, I loved you and now that I know you, my son, I will love you forever and always ❤️