You: A letter to my husband

October 25, 2018January 26, 2019 Jenn JohnsonLeave a comment

midsection of woman making heart shape with hands — Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

You are the ONE. MY one and only.

You loved me whole. I was broken when you found me. You picked up my broken pieces and put me back together again.

You saved me when you took my hand in yours and together we made a life. Two hands, two hearts intermingled forever.

You are my everything. My best friend. My companion. My lover.

Even after all of these years, my body gravitates towards you.

Like a magnet my heart is drawn toward yours.

You are my center. My true north.

YOU.

I will always crave you.

I will always want you.

I will always need you.

I will always love you.

Much more than I ever expected.

Much more than I ever deserved.

Your love.

The way you look at me. They way you see me. The person I am in your eyes.

The person you are in my eyes.

I love you.

Year after year. Month after month. Day after day.

My love only grows….fuller and deeper.

It is and it will always be YOU.

The ONE who holds my heart in this lifetime and beyond.

Beauty · Faith · Happiness · Life · love · Poetry · Relationships · Self confidence · Self-love · Starting over · Words

The Becoming

October 25, 2018June 22, 2019 Jenn JohnsonLeave a comment

As I watched the leaves falling to the ground, the breath of wind loosening them from their branches, I felt pieces of myself falling away as well. Things I needed to let go of. Things holding me back from reaching my full potential. In that moment as I sat and stared at the changing world and the dawn of a new season, not only was I witnessing the coming of Fall but also the becoming of ME.

autumn autumn leaves blur close up — Photo by Vali S. on Pexels.com

Beauty · Faith · Happiness · Life · Poetry · Words

Stars

July 30, 2018January 26, 2019 Jenn JohnsonLeave a comment

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When I was young I used to wish upon stars. I’d look up at that vast, inky blue above me and as soon as I spotted that first star, I would make a wish. Most parts of me really believed that it could come true. When you are young, before you have truly started to walk your path in life, you can be naive. You are still innocent, unhurt, vulnerable and you want so badly to take life in your hands and mold it into the shape you desire. Years, days, form you instead and life takes a shape of it’s own. Oftentimes, you find yourself traveling down roads you once thought of as dead ends only to find they curve and twist into longer roads that lead to different paths. As you age you realize that you cannot count on wishes to always come true and stars to grant your deepest desires. It takes more than a mere thought to shape a dream. I still love when night falls upon the earth with millions of tiny white dots poking holes through the blackness. I still search out that first bright white star and gaze into it. Only I don’t wish on it. I simply admire it’s beauty and the glow that surrounds it. As the years have added up and I have become older, I know that stars are not wish granters that hold some magic power. That power comes from within me and I am responsible for the decisions I make that lead to the roads I walk, that in the end, will shape my journey, will shape me. The stars are merely a beautiful distraction that help guide me. Small lights aglow, when my path grows dark.

grief · Happiness · Life · loss · love · Poetry · Relationships · Starting over · Words

Letting go of what was supposed to be

August 31, 2017January 26, 2019 Jenn JohnsonLeave a comment

He watches her from behind the noisy bar. He sits in the corner, a hidden figure among the crowded room and neon lights. She has no idea that his eyes are glaring at her. She has no idea that she’s being watched. He wonders “What would she do if she saw him? How would she respond to his presence?” A chill runs down his spine just thinking about it, a bit of nervousness. He could just get up and walk away, he isn’t trapped in this corner after all; but something keeps him glued there. No, not something, someone. Her. She could always captivate him and hold him hostage. Tonight is no different.

Watching her he remembers. The way her lips tasted. The smell of her skin. The feel of her hand in his. Her smile. Her voice, usually soft and sweet. Her anger – that he remembers the most clearly. Her tears. His pleas. Yelling. Two hearts breaking.

She laughs at something and it reminds him of a time not long ago, when her laughter was aimed at something he had said. He studies her. She’s now in awe of something HE is saying, the strange man that sits beside her at the bar, the man who has taken his place. He watches them.

She is stunningly beautiful in that naive sort of way. She could always look in the mirror and never see, who he saw. She had picked apart her flaws with a vengeance and as often as he had told her that she was perfect, she never seemed to believe him. Does this new man tell her she is perfect and beautiful too? Does she believe him?

He messed up. A few drinks at a lousy office party and in those few damn hours, he had ruined his life and his future, which used to be so defined. He had lost her over one too many downed glasses of that poisonous alcohol and a warm body that wasn’t hers. What was the matter with him? How could he have been so stupid?

Forgiveness is a tricky thing and even if you come clean and bleed your heart out, there’s no guarantee that you will be forgiven. He was not. She was hurt and trust had been broken. It was over.

He is still in love with her. Will there ever come a time when he is not?

She is so familiar to him. He knows her heartbeat, it used to beat in sync with his own. He watches her. Someone that he can no longer have. A single tear streams down his face and he feels a deep, deep sorrow close to despair.

He rises from his corner, deciding that it’s time to leave, time to try to move on without her. With one last glance, he looks at her, his past. He turns his back and ,one foot in front of the other, he walks slowly into a new beginning, unaware that she is watching him as he leaves.

boy mom · Happiness · Life · love · Mom life · Parenting · Poetry · Pregnancy · Relationships · Words

I loved you long before I met you

August 31, 2017January 26, 2019 Jenn JohnsonLeave a comment

Long before I met you, I already loved you.

When you were just a thought in my mind, that turned into a growing baby in my belly, I already loved you.

When I heard your heartbeat for the first time.

When I felt you kick and move and stretch.

When you had the hiccups and it felt like I had the hiccups too….I already loved you.

When it was time for you to be born and I gazed upon you for the first time and heard your first cry.

When I held you in my arms and wondered how on earth I ever lived with out you. I felt a love I had never known before. I thought I loved you when you were just a thought but now that you were here, I loved you more.

While feeding you in the early hours before dawn, the house quiet and dark, looking down on your sweet face, I loved you even more.

When you slept at night, all cuddled up in your pajamas with your thumb in your mouth, I loved you even more.

When you said your first words, took your first steps, celebrated your very first birthday. My love for you was HUGE.

Yes, my love for you knows no bounds. For as each year turned into the next, my love grew and grew.

Your first day of school.

Your first time on a bike.

Your first friend.

Your first heartache.

Who knew how deeply a mother’s love would be? How strong it would become day after day, year after year.

Now you are grown, but would you believe that when I look at you I still see my little boy. The memories we have made will forever be a part of me. You have taught me to love in a way that I never knew possible. And no matter how far you may roam, you will always be in my heart.

Because long before I met you, I loved you and now that I know you, my son, I will love you forever and always ❤️

grief · Happiness · Life · loss · love · Relationships · Words

Missed Call

August 30, 2017January 26, 2019 Jenn JohnsonLeave a comment

I can still remember his twisted smile, the way his mouth curved to one side right before he laughed. I can still see him in my minds eye. Forever 39 years old. Forever in my heart.

I lost my brother in 2006 and in some ways, all these years later, it feels like I dreamed him up. Faded memories become blurry and I wonder if they really ever happened but then there are the pictures. I see him in his teens, full of wonder and bursting with excitement. I see him in his twenties, friends have their arms slung across his back with drunk smiles. I see him in his thirties, holding my firstborn son, looking down on him with total love and awe. He only ever got to spend 2 years being an uncle. His love in those 2 years was something fierce though. My son was the apple of his eye and he just ate him up. He was 37 at the time, with no kids of his own, and I think that being an uncle filled a kind of hole in his heart.

When he was 39, he left us and to say it was sudden wouldn’t even begin to describe it. One minute he was calling me on the phone and then the next minute my phone is ringing and someone is telling me that he’s gone.

The thing about death is, that even though we know it can creep up on us at anytime, we never really believe that it will. We carry on believing that death is for the old and sick and so we go about our days not giving much attention to it. We leave people with unkind words or empty stares because we will definitely see them again and work things out. We don’t apologize because we need time and we’ll definitely do it tomorrow. I mean, there’s always tomorrow, right?

I had no time to say goodbye and no way to call him back. He wanted to talk to me and I was busy so I let his call go to voicemail and the next day he was gone. That isn’t fair. I had his number and had every intention to call him back (tomorrow) but now he would never answer. This time, my call would forever go to HIS voicemail.

I love my brother and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wish I would’ve answered that call and been able to talk with him one last time. What was it that he would have told me? Was it important?

Don’t take time for granted because it might be running out soon. Time is never guaranteed, it’s unpredictable and fleeting.

Cherish the people you love and leave anger behind before you walk away from them. Anger never made things right.

Say I’m sorry, even if your not ready to. Swallow your pride.

Say I love you, more than you should.

And answer your phone…..it could be that the person calling will have no way of getting in touch with you tomorrow.

friends · grief · Happiness · Life · love · Poetry · Self confidence · Words

Rantings in a Coffee Shop

August 30, 2017January 26, 2019 Jenn JohnsonLeave a comment

I’m that person in a busy coffee shop, sitting at the corner table for two that currently seats one. A blur in the lives of the people passing by, placing orders. No one really notices me since they are too busy with their own doings. I sit, listening quietly to conversations, a curious mind I tell myself. What do people talk about ? How are they friends and what qualities am I missing so that I am alone?

At times it’s satisfying to be by myself, a solo in a world of pairs. Other times I long for an ear, a friend who sits with me in coffee shops in the middle of a rainy afternoon, just to pass the time. We talk about simple things like the weather or our favorite T.V. shows and we laugh about things our kids said.

I sip my coffee, peering above the top of my plastic lid, enjoying the hot brew and the warmth of it in my cupped hands. But deep, deep down I’m cold and coffee doesn’t seem to ever warm me completely.

boy mom · Happiness · Life · Mom life · Parenting · School · Stay at home moms · Words

Silence is the new calm.

August 30, 2017January 26, 2019 Jenn Johnson1 Comment

Silence.

They say silence is golden, and they are right.

Silence is calm. It’s an invited peace that I have been longing for.

This is the third day that all my boys have been in school and I have had the house to myself. This is the first year that all my boys have had school 5 days a week, all day long. My 4-year old is no longer the baby that stays home with mama but instead he is growing into a young boy that is now in Pre-K.

I worried that being at home sans kids would be lonely and that I’d miss having a child near me at all times. I do, but I also don’t. It’s been 13 years since I have had this type of quiet. I had my oldest son when I was 26, my middle son when I was 30 and my youngest little man when I was 35. Now I’m 40 and finding that I rather enjoy the solitude that comes with kids being away at school and a house to myself.

It’s a new stage for me, for sure. I’m figuring out, as I go, what my week will look like, what my schedule will entail. How being a stay at home mom (with no kids) will play out day after day. And you know what? I’m excited!

Through out the years our lives have many twists and turns and we find things to look forward to. Getting engaged and then planning the wedding, getting married. Deciding it’s time to have a baby and then finding out you are pregnant. The birth of your first child and then your second and third. Realizing that you are done having kids and just relishing your babies and how fast they are growing. All of a sudden you think that these exciting stages are over. You are married. You are done having kids. Said kids are no longer babies and are in school now. Most of your firsts are in the past, but are all of your new beginnings over? Or is a new beginning starting to form? I’ll say the latter.

I am older now. My kids are all in school. I now have time for me. Time to do things like write and go to the grocery store by myself. Time to reflect on things. Time to just go to the library and wander through the many aisles of books, in no hurry to leave. Time to figure out more about myself and who I am. Time to delve into God’s word a bit more and begin to understand more about Jesus’ life. Time to sit on the couch and just read a book with a warm cup of coffee in hand. Time to volunteer at my boys school and be that mom who bakes cupcakes for birthday parties. Time to get all my chores done and dinner prepared. Time. Lots and lots of time. Uninterrupted and quiet.

Silence.

As I’m writing this, it’s what I hear. It’s new. It’s different. It will take some getting used to but I’m going to welcome it with open arms. I’m going to bask in it and I’m definitely going to cherish it. This golden silence.