grief · Happiness · Life · loss · love · Poetry · Relationships · Starting over · Words

Letting go of what was supposed to be

He watches her from behind the noisy bar. He sits in the corner, a hidden figure among the crowded room and neon lights. She has no idea that his eyes are glaring at her. She has no idea that she’s being watched. He wonders “What would she do if she saw him? How would she respond to his presence?” A chill runs down his spine just thinking about it, a bit of nervousness. He could just get up and walk away, he isn’t trapped in this corner after all; but something keeps him glued there. No, not something, someone. Her. She could always captivate him and hold him hostage. Tonight is no different.

Watching her he remembers. The way her lips tasted. The smell of her skin. The feel of her hand in his. Her smile. Her voice, usually soft and sweet. Her anger – that he remembers the most clearly. Her tears. His pleas. Yelling. Two hearts breaking.

She laughs at something and it reminds him of a time not long ago, when her laughter was aimed at something he had said. He studies her. She’s now in awe of something HE is saying, the strange man that sits beside her at the bar, the man who has taken his place. He watches them.

She is stunningly beautiful in that naive sort of way. She could always look in the mirror and never see, who he saw. She had picked apart her flaws with a vengeance and as often as he had told her that she was perfect, she never seemed to believe him. Does this new man tell her she is perfect and beautiful too? Does she believe him?

He messed up. A few drinks at a lousy office party and in those few damn hours, he had ruined his life and his future, which used to be so defined. He had lost her over one too many downed glasses of that poisonous alcohol and a warm body that wasn’t hers. What was the matter with him? How could he have been so stupid?

Forgiveness is a tricky thing and even if you come clean and bleed your heart out, there’s  no guarantee that you will be forgiven. He was not. She was hurt and trust had been broken. It was over.

He is still in love with her. Will there ever come a time when he is not?

She is so familiar to him. He knows her heartbeat, it used to beat in sync with his own. He watches her. Someone that he can no longer have. A single tear streams down his face and he feels a deep, deep sorrow close to despair.

He rises from his corner, deciding that it’s time to leave, time to try to move on without her. With one last glance, he looks at her, his past. He turns his back and ,one foot in front of the other, he walks slowly into a new beginning, unaware that she is watching him as he leaves.

boy mom · Happiness · Life · love · Mom life · Parenting · Poetry · Pregnancy · Relationships · Words

I loved you long before I met you

Long before I met you, I already loved you.

When you were just a thought in my mind, that turned into a growing baby in my belly, I already loved you.

When I heard your heartbeat for the first time.

When I felt you kick and move and stretch.

When you had the hiccups and it felt like I had the hiccups too….I already loved you.

When it was time for you to be born and I gazed upon you for the first time and heard your first cry.

When I held you in my arms and wondered how on earth I ever lived with out you. I felt a love I had never known before. I thought I loved you when you were just a thought but now that you were here, I loved you more.

While feeding you in the early hours before dawn, the house quiet and dark, looking down on your sweet face, I loved you even more.

When you slept at night, all cuddled up in your pajamas with your thumb in your mouth, I loved you even more.

When you said your first words, took your first steps, celebrated your very first birthday. My love for you was HUGE.

Yes, my love for you knows no bounds. For as each year turned into the next, my love grew and grew.

Your first day of school.

Your first time on a bike.

Your first friend.

Your first heartache.

Who knew how deeply a mother’s love would be? How strong it would become day after day, year after year.

Now you are grown, but would you believe that when I look at you I still see my little boy. The memories we have made will forever be a part of me. You have taught me to love in a way that I never knew possible. And no matter how far you may roam, you will always be in my heart.

Because long before I met you, I loved you and now that I know you, my son, I will love you forever and always ❤️

grief · Happiness · Life · loss · love · Relationships · Words

Missed Call

I can still remember his twisted smile, the way his mouth curved to one side right before he laughed. I can still see him in my minds eye. Forever 39 years old. Forever in my heart.

I lost my brother in 2006 and in some ways, all these years later, it feels like I dreamed him up. Faded memories become blurry and I wonder if they really ever happened but then there are the pictures. I see him in his teens, full of wonder and bursting with excitement. I see him in his twenties, friends have their arms slung across his back with drunk smiles. I see him in his thirties, holding my firstborn son, looking down on him with total love and awe. He only ever got to spend 2 years being an uncle. His love in those 2 years was something fierce though. My son was the apple of his eye and he just ate him up. He was 37 at the time, with no kids of his own, and I think that being an uncle filled a kind of hole in his heart.

When he was 39, he left us and to say it was sudden wouldn’t even begin to describe it. One minute he was calling me on the phone and then the next minute my phone is ringing and someone is telling me that he’s gone. 

The thing about death is, that even though we know it can creep up on us at anytime, we never really believe that it will. We carry on believing that death is for the old and sick and so we go about our days not giving much attention to it. We leave people with unkind words or empty stares because we will definitely see them again and work things out. We don’t apologize because we need time and we’ll definitely do it tomorrow. I mean, there’s always tomorrow, right? 

I had no time to say goodbye and no way to call him back. He wanted to talk to me and I was busy so I let his call go to voicemail and the next day he was gone. That isn’t fair. I had his number and had every intention to call him back (tomorrow) but now he would never answer. This time, my call would forever go to HIS voicemail.

I love my brother and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wish I would’ve answered that call and been able to talk with him one last time. What was it that he would have told me? Was it important? 

Don’t take time for granted because it might be running out soon. Time is never guaranteed, it’s unpredictable and fleeting.

Cherish the people you love and leave anger behind before you walk away from them. Anger never made things right.

Say I’m sorry, even if your not ready to. Swallow your pride.

Say I love you, more than you should.

And answer your phone…..it could be that the person calling will have no way of getting in touch with you tomorrow. 

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